Ghosts Of Dead Media Careers Haunting Big Brother Set

A number of strange goings on in the Big Brother house is being blamed on dead media careers haunting the set.

Jugs flying through the air, farts but there's nobody there, air conditioning going haywire, people not having sex and yet the beds squeak like they are, are all signs that the Big Brother house is haunted.

But this isn't a ploy to get people to watch Big Brother just to see the ghosts, claimed one media consultant who appeared in series three of the show.

"The Big Brother set really is being haunted and those in the other world are determined to give the show a spooky send off."

As a tribute to the most successful Big Brother star in history, housemates will pick on a dignified accomplished Indian lady and call her snooty on Saturday. [Link]

"I Want A Miss Marple In Every Village To Fight Crime," Says Cameron

David Cameron called for all late middle-aged ladies with grey hair in buns to come forward to help solve local crime when all the police get the sack next year.

The initiative, the prime minister claimed, will save substantial public resources but will maintain crime solving rates at current levels.

"I have never seen Miss Marple fail, and that should inspire the country to go out there and do what needs to be done to rid the country of naughty people," said the Prime Minister.

He continued:

"Think of all the savings that can be made: police cars replaced with bicycles, noisy sirens with dingy bicycle bells, we can even do away with expensive police stations because Miss Marple only needed her sitting room or study to interrogate her suspects.

It's time for the country to start thinking up new ways of doing the old things and if we in Whitehall can chip in a quid or two just let me know. My name is Dave, by the way, nice to meet you." [Link]

Paul The Octopus Retires, Chews Mussel In A Way That Unmistakenly Indicates To FIFA That They Should Embrace Technology Immediately

Paul The Psychic Octopus used his final choosing-of-a-box-with-a-mussel-in-it to leave a message to FIFA that they must adopt goal line and other technology immediately.

Paul showed his preference for technology to be introduced by eating a mussel in a box with a picture of King Of Technology Ubergeek Bill Gates on the outside. (The other box had a picture of a cheese sandwich on it.)

A spokesman for FIFA told this newspaper:

"Paul probably doesn't even know what a football is let alone what it feels like to be kicked with one hard in the nuts for being a wise arse, and octopuses have 8 nuts I read on the internet somewhere. Food for thought is all I'm saying."

But Paul was adamant he was right and refused to leave his Bill Gates box for a full 20 minutes after eating the mussel, a record. [Link]

Ways Those Bastard Germans Could Be Faking The Paul The Psychic Octopus Thingie

The psychic community were up in arms today, after an octopus briefly became the most famous psychic on the planet, according to sorcerers.

British born Paul, 2, an octopus, is alleged to be able to predict the results of football matches by eating mussels in boxes with flags on even though he is under water.

A spokesman for the World Psychic's Federation told the Moan:

"How ridiculous. Psychics get their messages from the other worlds through the air, you just can't do that under water. Even David Copperfield can't do that, it's impossible. He must be doing it some other way."

In other news:

Ways Paul The Psychic Octopus could be a fake:

1) The mussels in the box he chooses are bought from a deli he likes, the ones he doesn't are mussels from a deli he doesn't.

2) He likes brighter coloured flags, or thicker horizontal stripes.

3) The octopus is just a fluky lucky bastard - it wrongly predicted Germany would beat Spain in the European Cup Final in 2008. [Link]

Government Departments Told To Plan For 110% Cuts

New revelations that some government departments have been told to look for "110% cuts" in their budgets have been revealed to this newspaper.

The secret Treasury project 'Looking For Cuts', said to be a grey skies, or worst case scenario exercise, is to seek out what would happen if the government really went for broke and cut everything and then some.

A Treasury official, in an off the record twittering, sneerily referred to the 40% cuts reported in other newspapers, as completely 'gay'.*

Cuts of 110% and more have never been attempted before in any major economy in the world.

The only time 110% cuts have ever been considered before was when a previously eminent economist was detained for a short period in a mental institution and scrawled his theories on the walls in his own excrement.

In theory it is only possible to cut 100% from government budgets, but the extra 10% might be wrung out if you are prepared to make the really bastard decisions, claimed a highly placed insider.

*The Treasury official, a Conservative, apologised for the gay comment in a subsequent twittering this morning. [Link]