HOROSCOPES FEBRUARY 2017
ARIES Mar 20 - Apr 19

Star-crossed lovers are set to bring a Shakespearean twist to your love life this month, beware window ledges or porches in all of their forms - and hats with feathers in them.

A wise decision you made last month is set to pay dividends. This could be a fractionally lower cholesterol reading after eating all that fresh fish, or it might be that purchase of tech shares that rose sharply last month. Whatever good is about to unfold it is well deserved and you should enjoy it to its fullest extent, possibly to the n'th degree or at least the f'th degree.

Saturn's transjunct on the lower bottom is set to undermine any building project you undertake this month - be mindful of the dangers of incorrectly mixed cement or concrete mixture.

Happiness is well starred in the most saccharine, mindless, sunny sense.

CANCER Jun 21 - Jul 21

Gladiatorial combat is highly starred this month, either in the trendy sword-and-sandles conflict sense or just the watching it on television sense. In either sense, probably best to avoid starchy foods that will only slow you down, or make you want to go to the toilet at the most inconvenient of moments.

You have always distrusted horoscopes since your parents schemed to give you the anti-horoscope sign that is Cancer. Jupiter agrees, but what to do? Thankfully you are reading this now, so not all is lost.

Never underestimate the power of slow monotonal chanting in monk type attire. There is a strangely understated violence to the practice that even Jack Bauer would be intimidated by.

This month your destiny will be determined by the outcome of a small eruption on Neptune's crust.

LEO Mar 20 - Apr 19

This might or might not be the best month in a long while to take a huge risk. The uncertainty is being caused by a small gale on the upper mid side of Jupiter's lower eastern flank which is set to blow for much of the month. The best advice we can offer is to put off life changing decisions until the wind clears early in March, but perhaps take the odd small risk to keep up the practice.

This year is now firmly set on a positive course that is the envy of all the other star signs, apart from Taurus. Be happy, laugh freely and feel unencumbered by economic woes and embrace politicians promising to make Leo Great Again!

Trampolining and large red noses are perfectly starred, as are trips to the supermarket, especially the fresh foods areas.

This month your destiny feels like the first bite with a set of new teeth into a ripe peach.

VIRGO Aug 23 - Sept 21

'Hot and crispy' is a phrase you are set to hear repeatedly this month. Pizzas, fried chicken, even toast, are all particularly indicated in your celestial charts.

A book is waiting to be bought by you on an internet site that is set to change your life. But which one is it? Jupiter is adamant that you should discover it for yourself, Neptune and Uranus both want to provide help. Expect little incidents to enter your consciousness this month as the planets attempt to guide your book buying life changing preferences, or not as the case may be.

A bottle of moisturiser you bought in the hope that it would reduce ageing on your face is defective and is making you look older. Take it back at once and demand a refund.

This month your destiny has toothache.

TAURUS Apr 20 - May 19

A strange Harry Potter type incident involving an owl with a message attached to one of its legs will add a moment of both extreme excitement and anguish as feathers fly like you have just come across some kind of real life Tom and Jerry animal fight. Read the message the owl reluctantly gives you carefully. It wasn't meant for you. Act on this message carefully.

A crash course in economics theory is all that stands between you and financial oblivion this month. Read any modestly relevant textbook with well thumbed pages for advice.

A shameful incident involving a fish and some gym shoes is set to come back to haunt you.

This month your destiny is on holiday and won't be back until the 19th.

LIBRA Sept 22 - Oct 22

As you sometimes pride yourself, Libra are the know-it-all star sign. This month Saturn is on side to give you free rein to show off your intimate knowledge of loads of stuff to people who just haven't got a clue.

Software development in particular is set to encroach on your spare time after you accidentally click on a link in an e-mail from Microsoft accidentally sent to you by a developer working on the next update of Windows. You will initially be flummoxed by what is known in the trade as 'an uncaught exception'. You will soon learn that not catching them can cause catastrophic failures in anything you try to do on your computer, and even experts can be uncertain why they are happening. Throwing things is well starred all month.

On the 18th you will be drawn to a happy person, or animal, who is determined to give you a treat.

This month your destiny is linked inextricably to that of your nearest public laundrette.

SCORPIO Oct 23 - Nov 21

'Let them wait' will be your motto this month. Keep to this and you will increase your accuracy ten fold, even though your actual productivity will reduce staggeringly. Don't worry, nobody will notice.

Cake, cookies and chocolate are so well starred this month that you may be tempted to consume enormous quantities of them. Beware, however: Neptune has its eye on an exercise plan for you later in the year that could make your veins pop if you are too overweight.

Generally wet and windy is a typical weather forecast in some parts of the world, however it is particularly apt as a prediction for your star sign this month.

SAGITTARIUS Nov 22 - Dec 21

This month you will never be more than 30 minutes away from a top hat and tails musical rendition of 'Me and my shadow'. Getting the dance steps right now will pay dividends later.

A 'storm in a teacup' is a nicely English type way of saying that there may be moments of sudden small scale intrigue up until the 16th of the month, by which time the main danger should be confined to the bathroom by blocking the door with a large cupboard or wardrobe.

Generally, nature programs on the television can be considered safe territory at least for you. Obviously not for the poor thing that's about to be eaten by a lion who as luck would have it is also a Sagittarius.

This month your destiny wears the shoes of a ten pin bowler and the matching hat of a desperate man.

GEMINI May 20 - Jun 20

Retailers are only too happy to accept less than the price they are displaying to get a sale this month, but to get this you must pretend that you don't really want the thing you are buying. The trick Saturn is keen to teach this month is that for best results never take 'no' for an answer. This month you will also learn the hard way not to take 'the store is closing at 9pm' for an answer either - if the police have to carry you from the building keep up the indifference at all times for best results. (Saturn thinks we should set up a premium rate telephone number and a $39.99 DVD to further explain this technique.)

Donkeys are well starred this month, that, of course, is the furry four legged animal type of donkey and not anyone that you may have named Donkey for reasons known only to your Gemini self.

A crusty loaf of bread will provide moments of lip tingling satisfaction around the 6th.

Cooking asparagus is ill starred as Jupiter transects the darker side of a moon.

CAPRICORN Dec 22 - Jan 19

Your fiery Capricorn temper flares at the smallest of things and is set to increasingly blight your chances to get anything done over the next few years. Count slowly from 1 to 10, trying to avoid any added expletives into the count, and let your rage pass. Watch out in particular for danger that you may spark some kind of altercation involving marker pens around coffee break on the 11th.

A chance encounter with a Saturn inspired homeless person may set you off on a path of no return. Follow him/her until you are under the bridge, but no further.

Half-price day-old donuts will once again provide an excuse to delay your healthy eating diet ambitions. Remember, the planets are not in favour of short-term fad diets, you will have to change your eating pattern to make any difference to your weight.

Eggs, but not bacon, are well starred this month. Avoid eating the two together until the cock crows on the 24th.

AQUARIUS Jan 20 - Feb 17

All your internet shopping bargain hunting is set to come under the influence of Neptune from the 5th after which time bargains will literally drip from your keyboard. Half-priced household goods, dvds, and other products too numerous to mention will be priced so unbelievably low that you will have to pinch yourself that this isn't all a dream. Yes, you have moved to Bargainsville. No money? - Don't worry - Saturn has a surprise in store for you on the 10th!

Talking to plants is particularly well starred this month, as is dancing for them which includes many forms of dancing including pole dancing, lap dancing but not belly dancing.

Red hats are well starred all month. We are often criticised for saying what our critics claim are 'vague' things like this - no, it doesn't mean you have to actually wear a red hat.

This month your destiny is in the hands of your harshest critic.

PISCES Feb 18 - Mar 19

Your battering-ram style approach to problem solving does have its drawbacks, however it certainly will provide exciting anecdotes to spice up your autobiography, or your book on 'winning management techniques'. You might try to consider other people's feelings some of the time, because in Saturn's current mood it is pretty likely that you will soon need the help of someone who you have recently 'batter-rammed'.

Yes, watch out, Saturn is trying to trip you up this month. Your only hope is for Neptune to come to your rescue with a cosmic sweeping brush.

A new sport, or a new dangerous way of playing an old sport, is set to pepper this month with excitement to all Pisces not, yet, confined to a wheelchair.

This month your destiny has the ears of a goat, but the tongue of a beauty queen.