BREXIT NEGOTATIONS PART 26: CHANCES OF A SMOOCHY BREXIT RISE BY 2.5%
The Thun - The Times spoof

UK Government To Offer 40BN In Brexit Divorce Offer

In an attempt to get trade talks going the British government has offered 40 billion to the European Union, but won't say what currency it is.

Talking to this newspaper Theresa May said: "40 billion is a real and sensible offer in a genuine attempt to get trade talks going."

But when asked what currency the 40 billion was May, 61, became unclear.

She said: "40 billion is a lot of money. I mean al-oooooooooo-t of money. And we will give it to them. To get trade talks a going."

But, for example, 40 billion of Bangladesh Taka would be under £400million, according to a website on the internet. 40 billion of Monopoly money would cost about £2.50.

A spokesman for the European Union looked exasperated: "We have got the offer but we need clarification on a number of issues," he said.

The Are We Out Yet Dad continues.

(Video found on linksdump.com)

Correction: In yesterday's story: Is Donald Trump playing too much golf? it seems there was an error: Donald Trump shouted 'Fore' before the ball hit the fellow golfer and not afterwards as we claimed. We are happy to set the record straight.

UK WEATHER WOULD HAVE BEEN MUCH WORSE HAD WE STAYED IN EUROPE, CLAIMS FARAGE
Daily Excrement - Daily Express

White House Making 'Carry On Donald' Movie

Donald Trump is making a Carry On movie in the White House, and this could explain a number of recent events in his new administration, according to a person we met last night.

"Oooh no missus", "Matron! please" and "I'm just keeping a breast of the situation" are just three of the comments heard coming from closed doors in the West Wing in the first six months of the Trump presidency.

Carry On movies were popular British comedies in the 1950s and 60s starring stars such as Barbara Windsor, Sid James and Kenneth Williams.

Kellyanne Conway, a spokesman for the president, is Kenneth Williams. Donald Trump is Sid James. The Mooch is Kenneth Connor. New Chief Of Staff General John Kelly is Hattie Jacques.  

The Ooh no missus continues.

(Video found on linksdump.com)

Also In Today's Paper:

Who Said What? Donald Trump or Kenneth Williams? Take our brilliant Carry On quiz.

Donald Trump Is As Good At Golf As He Says He Is Shocker

Trump Or Cabbage? Take our brilliant picture quiz pages 34-45

HOW MUCH WOULD YOU PAY TO LEAVE EUROPE? OUR READERS DECIDE
Daily Mail

Letters To The Editor

Dear Sir,

I read an Enid Blyton book, Five On A Treasure Island, yesterday, for the first time since I was a child. What wholesome fun. There was non binary sexual behaviour, child kidnapping, and use of the word 'queer' throughout. It's good to see things haven't changed much in the last 75 years after all. Bravo!

Yours, Sherry Hearty

Dear Sir,

Thank you for your profile of Donald Trump. I completely agree. If he can hire a man (Steve Bannon) who can perform that act on himself then he can't be all bad.

Yours, Harry Smith

(Video found on linksdump.com)

Dear Sir,

I had lunch with Donald Trump once and he ate like a horse. I wondered how much more he could get in his mouth and then he put more in. Even with his mouth full of food he continued to talk as if nothing was in his mouth. A great great man and I am proud to still have the shirt with the food stains on for the future enquiry.

Yours, Harty Mildew II