BREXIT NEGOTATIONS PART 25: WHAT ARE THE CHANCES OF A GENTLE BREXIT?
The Thun - The Times spoof

Donald Trump Gives Sean Spicer 'Beautiful Pardon'

The President of the United States, Donald Trump, has pardoned Sean Spicer in what many believe is practice for a series of further pardons later in the year, according to sources close to the president.

A pardon can be given by the president to excuse people for any federal crime even crimes not committed yet, including when someone has just broken wind, according to a lawyer we read about on the internet.

The chief press officer for President Trump resigned this week claiming he wanted to spend more time with his family. As part of his leaving package the president is said to have drawn a special picture with the words 'I pardon you' on it which is completely legally valid, according to lawyers.

In other pardon news: As speculation grows that Donald Trump will attempt to give himself a pardon, he tweeted this morning that he has actually given himself a pardon even though 'he doesn't need to.' New White House head Anthony Scaramnoucci Scarramoucci will you do the Fandango? told this newspaper: "this shows how generous the president is."

The Russia continues.

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Correction: In yesterday's story: Has Donald Trump Already Pardoned Himself In Secret? it seems there was an error: Naked Shopping is a new craze where women flash their breasts and does not include men with 'large pendulous breasts like Donald Trump' as we reported. We are happy to set the record straight.

BRITAIN SET TO BASK IN WARMEST RAIN IN SUMMER FOR ONE HUNDRED YEARS
Daily Excrement - Daily Express

BBC Women Told: Be More Like Chris Evans If You Want A Rise

The revolting women at the BBC have been told they should be more like Chris Evans if they want a pay rise, in the latest shocking development in the BBC gender pay gap row.

Chris Evans is the highest paid BBC celebrity if you don't include Gary Lineker's other income from BT Sport and Graham Norton's extra £2mn he also gets from So Television which makes his BBC chat show.

Chris Evans came to fame for being an annoying ginger on breakfast television in the 1990s, and today is the most listened to ginger in the world, apart from Ed Sheeran, 24.

Today in Business: Money saving tips for radio producers: Women only radio shows are 40% cheaper to produce than men only radio shows.

The 'Stop the Gap' continues.

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Also In Today's Paper:

Donald Trump Could Pardon Himself Multiple Times, Claims Lawyer

If Donald Trump Just Says 'Pardon', like if he doesn't hear you right and is asking you to repeat what you have just said, Enough? Our Constitutional Lawyer Investigates

Can You Trick Donald Trump To Say Pardon? Take Our Brilliant Quiz

CAN YOU PARDON CORRECTLY? TAKE OUR BRILLIANT QUIZ
Daily Mail

Letters To The Editor

Dear Sir,

I've been on the London Underground and you are always being told to Mind The Gap. These women at the BBC who are complaining about their wages have only themselves to blame for not listening to this most public of advices.

Yours, Sir Harry Harty

Dear Sir,

I voted 'out' in the Brexit referendum. Then I saw a thing on the telly and decided I wanted to change my mind to 'in'. Then I changed my mind again to 'out'. My friends are calling me Hokie Kokie Stokie, please help.

Yours, Gary Stokie

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Dear Sir,

I was not surprised in the slightest to hear that Claudia Winkleman was the top female earner in the recent BBC top earners list. Her surname is very masculine, with both the words 'man' in it, and also the word 'winkle' which I always used to call my penis when I was a young boy.

Yours, Ben McDonald