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The Thun - The Times spoof

Darth Mayder Vs Obi-Wan Corbyn Can Only End One Way, Says Star Wars Fan

Obi-Wan Corbyn has resigned himself to being killed by Darth Mayder in the upcoming general election as he knows his spirit will move on and allow Labour to win in other ways, just like wot happened in Star Wars, according to a young Labour Star Wars fan this morning.

Obi-Wan Corbyn, the Labour leader, came to power wearing cassocks and by talking wisdom in strange ways from times long ago.

He won praise among some for using The Force to control the minds of his supporters and to combat the hostile forces of the Labour Parliamentary Party who were helpless in his stead.

But one Star Wars expert told this newspaper: "This still leads us to the reality that Obi-Wan Corbyn is about to get sliced across the chest with a Light Saber after putting up a limited fight against Mayder in the coming weeks. It'll look like he just gives up."

The Force Is Still Strong In This One, For A Few More Weeks At Least, Continues.

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Correction: In yesterday's story: UKIP Set To Disband Amidst Recriminations it seems there was an error: UKIP lost 97 seats in the local elections, all they contested. We are happy to set the record straight.

"BREXTERMINATE! BREXTERMINATE!" SCREAMS THERESA MAY IN GENERAL DIRECTION OF EUROPE
Daily Excrement - Daily Express

BREXIT PLANS IN TURMOIL AS PRINCE PHILIP STEPS DOWN

A crisis has emerged in government Brexit circles on news Prince Philip will be unavailable for use in any state visit by European negotiators, as he is to step down from public duties.

It had been hoped that the popular prince, 95, would be free to say anything he wanted to the European negotiators in any visit or phone call.

Philip has for many years been one of Britain's many secret weapons the country uses in negotiations with other countries around the world.

But news that the popular prince, 96, is to step down from front line palm pressing duties means that he will no longer be available to be used.

A British Brexit insider told this newspaper: "You can hear the sigh of relief from Europe."

The plans for a Brexterminate continues.

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Also In Today's Paper:

Clacton Sees Sales Of 'Kiss Me UKIP' Hats Plummet

Cheese On Toast Voted Most Popular BREXIT Snack

Top Ten Most Chuffed To Bits Conservatives

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Daily Mail

Letters To The Editor

Dear Sir,

It is so great to hear that World War Two songs are coming back into the charts. Especially my favourite new version of the Dad's Army Theme: "Who do you think you are kidding Mr Junker when you think old England's done! We are the boys who will stop your little game, we are the boys who will make you think again!" Sung by Captain Boris Mainwaring. Ha! How do they come up with them?

Yours, Private Pike

Dear Sir,

Theresa May is going to win the general election by a country mile, or is by a New York Minute? If your journalism was better I would be able to tell. But I just haven't a clue!

Yours, Sherry Bumblebee

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Dear Sir,

So, if the middle falls out of a new pound coin you can sell them on Ebay for £5000? If that's the case then we only need to make £20million of the defective pound coins and we can pay off Europe's claim of £100bn with just £20mn worth of the coins. I bet they don't even cost a pound each to make either. We'd be quids in. How is that not the best Brexit plan so far?

Yours, Paul Massive