HOW TO WIN AN ELECTION, PART 2: CATCHY SLOGANS YOU CAN USE OVER AND OVER
The Thun - The Times spoof

'Strong And Stable' Government Expected To Be 'Snazzy' Says Senior Conservative

A senior Conservative has said Theresa May's new strong and stable government will be snazzy too, in an off the record briefing.

The 53 year old politician said that he had looked it all up on the internet and that the landslide conservative victory will also be 'ritzy', 'dressy', 'flashy' and 'trendy' in a responsible way.

No Conservative government has ever been snazzy before, although Michael Portillo once worse some snazzy underwear at a cabinet meeting that has only recently come to light on one of his train journeys on the telly.

The sound bite election continues.

(Video sponsored by linksdump.com)

Correction: In yesterday's story: General Election Pollster So Confident Of Result He Is To Go On Holiday For Two Months it seems there was an error: A Conservative landslide is expected, we are happy to set the record straight.

YOUNG PEOPLE COULD BE PAID TO VOTE, CLAIMS SOMEONE WHO MAKES US REALLY ANGRY
Daily Excrement - Daily Express

17 More People Moan About Election

Just days after one voter said 'You're joking. Not another one! Oh for God's sake' when told there was going to be another election, 17 others said the exact same thing, according to a local journalist who decided not to broadcast the footage as it was repetitive.

The journalist told this newspaper: "It was remarkable how similar the comments were. Almost Twilight-Zoney, especially as everyone said it in a South West accent even though the interviews were carried out throughout the country."

Voting is set to commence in polling booths on 8th June, with returning officers prepared for added niggles from voters especially if it is raining.

The election continues.

(Video sponsored by linksdump.com)


Also In Today's Paper:

Brexit Means Never Having To Say You're Sorry

"Let's Make Brexit Better Than Ice Cream," Says Prime Minister

"Hundreds And Thousands Are My Favourite Brexit Ice Cream Topping," Says Boris

GET ROCK HARD ABS WITH OUR BRILLIANT GENERAL ELECTION WORKOUT
Daily Mail

Letters To The Editor

Dear Sir,

I have been doing your General Election workout and I must declare that I can see a huge difference! My abs are starting to look like an imprint of the British Isles. How patriotic!

Yours, Gerald Jones

Dear Sir,

I have been studiously following your General Election diet and can confirm that I have lost £35 already.

Yours, Purdy Hubris

(Video sponsored by linksdump.com)

Dear Sir,

I have named my cat 'The Donald' because he has a yellow comb over, meows just like Alec Baldwin's impersonation of the president, and trumps all over the backyard. Do I win a prize?.

Yours, Hubert Smith