NORTH KOREA CRISIS OFFER: FREE DONALD TRUMP OR KIM JONG-UN HAIRCUT FOR EVERY READER
The Thun - The Times spoof

PM May Urges Marmite Haters To United With Marmite Lovers

Just hours after successfully ensuring that the 48% of Britons who voted against Brexit have united with the 52% of Britons who voted for it, May, 62, has decided to get other opposites to unite using her powers of persuasion, we have been told.

"Theresa May's next project is to announce the union of Marmite lovers with Marmite haters," said a source close to Downing Street.

Marmite tastes like a 'smack in the gob with an electric heater made into a liquid' according to scientists.

Brexit was once seen as a major difference in the country, but it seems that the 48% who lost just rolled over after acknowledging that the 52% who voted for it were much louder and bigger and liked to punch people in the face more.

The Brexit continue.

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Correction: In yesterday's story: 'My Sex Life Is Not As Good As I Had Imagined It Would Be After Brexit' Confides Nigel Ferage it seems there was an error: Nigel Farage is the ex-leader of UKIP, the Nigel Ferage we interviewed for the piece is not him. We are happy to set the record straight.

BREXIT SHOULD BE MADE INTO A MUSICAL, SAYS ANDREW LLOYD WEBBER
treehuggian - The Guardian spoof

Did US VP Use Magic To Stop North Korea Rocket Test?

South Korea: Mike Pence, the US Vice President, was in South Korea today to use his own magic to stop one of Kim Jong-Un's impressive looking rockets, according to the person in the hotel room next to his.

"I heard lots of abracadabra's and expletives and what sounded like a heavy weight that could have been a cauldron bang to the floor" said the hotel neighbour who has asked us to not reveal her identity.

But our investigations indicate something much more suspicious: that magicians in the CIA had secretly made the North Korean bombs into magic wands and they magicked their own destruction, according to a person close to the Situation Room.

A member of the Magic Circle told this newspaper: "This is a clever ploy the CIA seem to have used. It's an old trick, where a magician turns a magic wand into flame and then into a silk handkerchief. A few twists to the technique could render a massive rocket shaped bomb into flames, although the resultant silk handkerchief would probably be the size of Luton Airport. But it's a nice trick none-the-less. You really can't tell what is going to happen next in this Trump presidency can you?"

The North Korea continues.

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Also In Today's Paper:

Kelvin MacKenzie Has Been Living Secret Life In Liverpool For Years, Says Scouse Source

Theresa May's Personal Trainer Gets His Top Off On Page 12

Donald Trump endorses chocolate cake during North Korea crisis

LOSE WEIGHT USING OUR BRILLIANT SEAN SPICER DIET
Daily Mail

Letters To The Editor

Dear Sir,

All this controversy over United Airlines bumping one seated passenger off a flight, it's time to spare a thought for the thousands of disappointed security officers who never get to see front page action like that.

Yours, Harry Goinheavy

Dear Sir,

I was bumped off a flight once by a British Secret Service agent. It wasn't pretty.

Yours, Mr Goldfinger

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Dear Sir,

Passengers who get bumped off flights only have themselves to blame. I have never been bumped off a flight in my life.

Yours, Angela United