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The Thun - The Times spoof

Donald Trump: "I Want My Presidency To Be More Exciting Than 24"

Donald Trump has said he intends to go for an exciting cliffhanger every Friday for the rest of his presidency, 'just like the Fox TV series 24'.

Trump, 71, is a well known watcher of Fox but this is the first time he has revealed his objective to have his administration create an exciting cliffhanger every Friday.

This week's cliffhanger was the completely by surprise bombing of a Syrian airport.

The week before, the President's Obamacare replacement bill spectacularly failed in a cliffhanger, but is to be continued in a later plot development we have been told.

Future cliffhangers are expected to include: Tense North Korea face off in the style of the Cuban Missile Crisis, Russia responds to the latest Syrian bombs and member of Trump family is kidnapped.

The Trumping continue.

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Correction: In yesterday's story: After Brexit We Should Be Shooting All Bird Migrants, Says Our Brilliant Correspondent Katie Hopkunt it seems there was an error: Some birds cannot fly so in fact the idea we had to stop birds as they walked through customs was not completely stupid and would stop penguins, peacocks and chickens if they attempted to cross into Britain by foot through the correct channels. We are happy to clarify a number of readers who tweeted us their concerns.

I RETURNED A MILK SHAKE BECAUSE IT WAS TOO MILKY AND THEY LAUGHED AT ME. WELL NOW I GET MY OWN BACK, SAYS OUR CORRESPONDENT KATIE HOPCURSE
treehuggian - The Guardian spoof

Restaurant Review: My Worst Experience in Over 20 Years In The Job

Le Stonq, Paris: My, oh my! I dressed up in my full nines to dine at this eaterie, widely regarded as the most costly in Paris. I had been working out with weights for two weeks before attending just so that I could wear a borrowed Rolex and keep my hand from flopping onto the table as if it were being drawn to it by a powerful magnet. I was ready for a gloriously expensive experience. How I was to be disappointed!

First, to the menu. I demanded they bring the version of the menu with the prices on after they tried it on with a menu with no prices. I fully appreciate that I looked like I was on expenses but I work for the Guardian and a £600 meal is the hard work of a large number of people duped into subscribing to us when they don't have to. The menu itself was physically the size of a small man, about Ricky Gervais size, which I objected to on principle. Had I been a James Bond baddy I could have used it as a cover to watch him, after cutting holes for my eyes.

The first course was literally breast implants on toast. They didn't call it that of course. This is Paris so it was all lardy dar stuff, but breast implants they definitely were, for a medium size teddy bear. If that makes your stomach churn, the idea of a furry teddy bear with breast implants, then just imagine how my palate felt after eating something that tasted of raspberries scrapped off a carpet covered in vinegar.

The main course was shoulder of lamb arranged to look like the Eiffel Tower. I am not complaining about this, it added a well needed touch of Disney to the proceedings and as our waiter had big ears I was not complaining.

The meal was accompanied by a series of amuse-bouches haphazzardly arranged on spoons which were far too cold when I placed them in my mouth.

After such exotic faire I decided to order apple pie and custard with a scoop of vanilla ice cream for afters, or for sweet as they so pompously say. The apples had been hand picked by sixth generation French people and the custard had been made using milk from Royal cattle.

The meal cost 567 euros, and the final insult was that my card jammed in the card reader. It was easily the worst experience of my life.

The Garcon! continues.

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Also In Today's Paper:

Ten Things Donald Trump Could Do Unexpectedly This Week

How To Build A Garden Fence Donald Trump Would Be Proud To Call His Own

Donald Trump's Golfing Handicap Would Surprise You

HOW TO GIVE YOUR DOG THE KIM-UN OR DONALD TRUMP HAIRSTYLE
Daily Mail

Letters To The Editor

Dear Sir,

I had an idea for an advertising slogan that Wonga could use. It's based on the old 'Ding Dong It's Avon Calling' campaign and I wonder if they would pay me enough money to pay off my mortgage for it? My slogan is 'Binga Bonga It's Wonga Calling'.

Yours, Harry Golightly

Dear Sir,

Help! I'm doing a school project and I need a bad picture of Chris Hemsworth. One in which he looks like he's just got out of bed in a huff, or he's in the middle of a really uncomfortable crap. Everything online is just ridiculously handsome.

Yours, Jay Breakdancer

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Dear Sir,

I know where my glutes and my abs are but I haven't a clue where my, oh, hang on, I've got that all wrong. I don't know where my glutes and my abs are, can someone help me please.

Yours, Sherry Bumblebee