BREXIT TRIGGER DAY DELAYED AS SCOTLAND THROWS MCPISSEYFIT
Daily Armstretchograph

George Osborne To Join Cast Of TOWIE

George Osborne, the former Chancellor of the Exchequer, is to be a regular member of the ITV reality show The Only Way Is Essex, known as TOWIE, we have discovered.

This brings to eight the number of new jobs the ex Chancellor now has, after we exclusively reported yesterday that he is to join the Gordon Ramsay company as a head screamer in restaurants in the north of England.

"I am looking forward to joining the nation's favourite constructed reality television programme. That's on top of my newspaper editing, MP-ing, City advising. All of them. Soon to be too numerous to mention. I have a lot on my plate and I'm raring to get started," said the 59 year old MP.

George Osborne is currently being fitted for a new thong as his first TOWIE appearance with be in a Marbella special in which he gets wet. His swimwear fitting was scheduled during a three minute tea break during the interview for the Evening Standard job, we have been told.

The Osborne Mediocrity begins.

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Correction: In yesterday's story: Ten More Things George Osborne Is Not Qualified For it seems there was an error: Number 7 should have said Head Conductor of the Brighton Kettle Bells Orchestra. We are happy to set the record straight.

PM DECIDES NOT TO WEAR NATTY TARTAN SHOES FOR BREXIT TRIGGER DAY AS SCOTLAND NIGGLES DETERIORATE FURTHER
Daily Moan

Number 10 'Aims' To Trigger Article 50 With Poem

The Prime Minster, Theresa May, has said the government is to spend some more time working on a poetic way to trigger Article 50.

"In a country what gave William Shakespeare to the world we can and will do better than simple normal words like what George Osborne would write," said the prime minister. "We can trigger Article 50 the British way, with a bit of pizzazz," said the Prime Minister.

Boris Johnston, who is believed to be the most poetic of the Three Brexiteers, is said to be working on a memorable Article 50 triggering verse.

The prime minister told journalists Game Of Throningly: "Britain is open for business with a wink in our eye, a song in our hearts and a skip in our step."

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Also In Today's Paper:

Is ITV's The Voice Still On? Asks Our Brilliant TV Reviewer

Are you Theresa May or Jeremy Corbyn? Take our brilliant politics quiz!

Could George Osborne do your job next? Take our brilliant quiz

"I WILL BE EDITING ONE WORD AT A TIME," SAYS GEORGE OSBORNE
Daily Mail

Letters To The Editor

Dear Sir,

What does an editor on a newspaper do anyway? Why not get an assistant editor and get them to do everything?

Yours, Piers Morgan

Dear Sir,

An editor is like a mascot but without the furry costume. It's perfectly easy enough to do all the editing in a mad rush and do something else at the same time.

Yours, Brendan Maplethorpe

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Dear Sir,

I'm confused. Is Noel Fielding replacing Mel or Sue on Channel 4's the Great British Bake Off? I felt your reporting didn't really get to the crust of the problem.

Yours, Ben Madeoff