TOP TEN TIPS: HOW TO SURVIVE BEING SHOT IN THE HEAD BY THE PRESIDENT
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Donald Trump Shoots Journalist Dead During Press Conference

19th February 2019: President Donald Trump was applauded today by thousands of his supporters for shooting dead a member of the fake media.

This comes just months after CNN, BBC and New York Times journalists were advised to wear bullet proof vests to all presidential press conferences, following Trump's controversial Executive Order allowing presidents to retaliate against rude journalists using 'ultimate force'.

Since his inauguration, President Trump had constantly criticised the media, but it has only been a recent discovery who was behind a number of USA based journalist disappearing. Until today the president had never actually taken a gun and shot a journalist in front of the press. (There had, of course, been 5 earlier occasions when the president brandished a gun and pointed it at a journalist during a press conference but he had never before fired it.)

A Trump supporter saw the shooting and told this newspaper: "The president lifted his right arm straight, aimed it at the journalist said "I'll ask you one more time say sorry" and then shot the journalist in the head. You've got to applaud visceral honesty like that. If they won't apologise what can you do?"

A spokesman for President Trump said it was only a matter of time that a journalist stepped over the line and got shot to death. "The required warning was given (as per the Executive Order) and the journalist refused to apologise."

Dame Laura Kuenssburg, the BBC's political editor, who asked the first rude question, has not been seen since December.

The Trump continues.

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Correction: In yesterday's story: BBC Journalist Shot Dead By Trump it seems there was an error: Alex Jones from InfoWars.com was sworn in as the third US vice president on Friday, we are happy to set the record straight. [link]

HOW WRONG IS DONALD TRUMP ABOUT THE MEDIA LYING?
Daily Moan

American Alex Jones vs British Alex Jones, Who'd You Rather?

American Alex Jones:

British Alex Jones:

 

Our readers had their say:

"Alex Jones sounds crazy but her heart is in the right place and Donald Trump is a fan so she must be OK."

"Alex Jones is a real sweetheart. No wonder that Donald Trump loves him."

"She may shout and rant a lot, but Alex Jones sometimes says something sensible but just in a loud shouty voice."

"The day when Alex Jones disappears, all her ranting's about being taken out by the FBI will finally come true and nobody will be laughing then. Although she will probably be heard shouting and a ranting even in the securest of FBI prisons. So I expect her to be found pretty quickly."

The screaming continues.

Also In Today's Paper:

Food Prices Set To Crash By Up To 5% When We Leave Europe, Says Think Tank

Milk Prices To Crash 3% When We Leave Europe

Angela Merkel: 'I'm Not Paying 2% To NATO. Suck My Chunk§n.' [link]

NATO 2% DEMAND RUFFLES FEATHERS IN BERLIN
Daily Moan

Letters To The Editor

Dear Sir,

I was hoping Tony Blair was going to be the next Doctor Who. Such a shame he is wasting his time with this politics lark.

Yours, Brendan McGaffe

Dear Sir,

I've just finished my Article 50 costume for 31st March. I'm going to be a crumpet with a marmalade hat. How British!!!

Yours, Catty Dinkins

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Dear Sir,

All this are they or aren't they on Brexit. I say do something!!! The news is getting boring.

Yours, Rupert Murdoch [link]

ARTICLE 50 BILL PASSES OUT IN HOUSE OF COMMONS
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Sean Spicer In Podium Meltdown On Live TV, According To Foreign Newspaper

Sean Spicer the White House Press Officer completely broke down in front of the press today, lifted up the podium he was standing on and walked around like a Dalek shouting 'Exterminate! Exterminate!', according to a Latin American newspaper today.

Sean Spicer (Melissa McCarthy)

The article, which included a picture of Sean Spicer, above, was printed in the newspaper.

A spokesman for Sean Spicer told this newspaper: "That is a picture of Melissa McCarthy playing me. This is me. It's another example of the fake news that is sweeping the country. And I don't eat chewing gum like that, it's sick."

The Big Long Trump continues.

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Correction: In yesterday's story: Alec Baldwin Interviewed By Latin American Newspaper As Donald Trump it seems there was an error: The Ivanka Trump Collection shoes and matching earrings were $569.99, we are happy to set the record straight. [link]

DONALD TRUMP POSTPONES TRIP TO UK WHEN PARLIAMENT IS CLOSED TO AVOID EMBARASMENT
Daily Moan

Channel 4's The Jump To Feature All Donald Trump Impersonators

Channel 4 think they are onto a winner after having signed up 10 Donald Trump impersonators to take part in their accident strewn show this year.

The Jump, renamed The Trump Jump for this series, sees celebrities jump on skis in between the sounds of snapping legs. It is set to start at the end of the month.

A media expert told this newspaper: "Seeing a line of Donald Trumps jumping on skis is something to behold. Watching him, or her, break a leg is just the icing on the orange skinned cake."

The Jump, which is now officially more dangerous than fighting in wars, has a new series of safety procedures in place to stop people dying, according to an insider.

The Trumping continues.

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Also In Today's Paper:

Theresa May: Cruella De Ville Comparisons 'Unfair'

Donald Trump: Orange Fruit Cake Comparisons 'Unfair'

Angela Merkel: 'I'm much taller than I look' [link]

SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE PRODUCER IN DONALD TRUMP GAFFE
Daily Moan

Letters To The Editor

Dear Sir,

Am I the only one to think that it is such a shame when stars on The Jump pull out when they have broken their leg? When I was a boy we used to ski in neck braces and plastered legs. Today's youth are such wimps.

Yours, Johnny Gorgeous, 98

Dear Sir,

I've just finished my Article 50 costume for 31st March. I'm going to be a large Big Ben with a bluebird (from White Cliffs of Dover fame) as a hat. How appropriate?

Yours, Catty Hopkins

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Dear Sir,

Triggering Article 50 on 1st of April would show Britain open for business with a cheeky wink. I say let's do it then. Let's start this thing off as we mean to go on.

Yours, John Smith [link]

FREE CHOCOLATE BARS FOR EVERY READER
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Chocolate Bars To Be Put 20% Lower On Shelves To Give 'Fat Enhanced' A Bit Of A Workout

"Touching toes next stage," says Surgeon General

Chocolate bars are to be put 20% lower on supermarket shelves to enable fat people to have a bit of a workout before they buy them, according to a senior doctor.

Putting chocolate nearer to the ground will afford the opportunity to fat people to do a bit of a workout to get their treats, and thus get them ready for later on in the year when we will be reporting a new government initiative to get them to touch their toes at least once a day.

Eating chocolate, which could cause cancer in a story in March 2017, by November is expected help reduce obesity if eaten in small doses.

Donald Trump is a well known chocolate eater and eats his wife, Melania's, chocolate too, he tells Bill O'Reilly in an interview later today. This will explain Melania's glamorous svelte look in matching shoes dress and earrings.

The munching continues.

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Correction: In yesterday's story: Donald Trump Slams Judge For 'Making It Up As He Goes Along' it seems there was an error: Judges need to study precedent and the law as it currently stands and then make a decision, and can't just scribble ideas on a piece of paper, sign it and show it to people in the White House saying it is an Executive Order as we claimed. We are happy to set the record straight. [link]

THERESA MAY APOLOGISES FOR EARLIER PRESIDENT TRUMP APOLOGY
Daily Moan

PM May Signs Executive Order To Stop Cold Snap This Week

Claiming she is standing in solidarity with the American President, Theresa May, still the prime minister, signed an Executive Order banning cold weather this week.

In the ceremony the prime minster wore a red dress with green rainforest earrings and signed the Executive Order using a pen given to the Queen by President Kennedy in a state visit in 1962.

Executive Orders are unheard of in British politics, but have been introduced as an increasing 'sign of respect' for the Special Relationship with the USA's President Trump.

The Trumpisation Of British Politics begins.

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Also In Today's Paper:

Trump To Sign Executive Order To Ban Combovers In Washington DC

Trump To Sign Executive Order To Make All Made In China Stickers To Be Made In America

Trump To Sign Executive Order To Stop Belching After Lunch, Belgian Ambassador Furious [link]

FREE DONALD TRUMP EXECUTIVE ORDERS KIT FOR EVERY READER
Daily Moan

Letters To The Editor

Dear Sir,

I signed an Executive Order this week banning supermarkets from pretending they have no Iceberg Lettuces when they have just so they can put the price up. It's a disgrace with a particularly Icelandic flavour.

Yours, Theresa May

Dear Sir,

For Brexit why not start up a special feature called Political Spittoon in your newspaper? It was a very popular feature in my newspaper I ran in the Wild West in America 1858-1879 and allows anybody to pitch in with their two cents worth. (Did you know that is why they say 'two cent's worth' because that was the fine you had to pay in the Wild West if you spat outside of a spittoon, on the sidewalk or in a bar? It's an alternative fact for all I know but it might be true.)

Yours, Bob Davis

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Dear Sir,

You know Theresa May said she would be triggering Article 50 at the end of March? Well, she had better make sure she isn't a single day late because triggering it on 1st April could possibly lead to riots oop north.

Yours, Harry Belafonte [link]