HOW TO WIN AN ELECTION, PART 1: WINNING ARGUMENTS WITH YOUR EYES
The Thun - The Times spoof

Opinion Polls Go Mental

Opinions polls, which only days before were telling the prime minister to "go to the country", only three days later are saying "don't do it," according to the latest poll in a Sunday paper.

Fears are growing that the country needs to stage an intervention with Opinion Polls before it's too late. Opinion Polls could be sectioned if they continue to show erratic behaviour, say observers.

In the latest opinion poll for this newspaper, the Conservatives are on 55%, Labour 26%, LibDems 12%, UKIP 10% and 7% for the Green Party, with Don't Knows at minus 10%, to bring the total to 100%, according to our pollster with a calculator app on his iPhone.

Meanwhile, Colonel Margin DeError came to the defence of Opinion Polls claiming that some of the polls could have an error each way of up to 7% which means the Conservative lead could be as little as 5% or less, (or more, (or about the same.))

The Election begins.

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Correction: In yesterday's story: Election Chaos As PM Flip Flopped 8 Times Before Coming To Decision it seems there was an error: Theresa May flipped an odd amount of times or she would have come back to her original decision. We apologise for the Twitter flaming we gave to a number of our readers for noticing this basic arithmetic, and are happy to make a donation to the charity suggested specialising in anger management. [link]

CRAYSIE MAYSIE VS OLD 'B' WAN CORBYN TO DEBATE WITH JUST THEIR LEGS
Daily Excrement - Daily Express

'Election Cock' Starts Deliberations

The most accurate Election Predicting Cock in the world, an American bird named Nate (below), has begun his process to predict who will win the British election by delivering pecks to life size photographs of the main players that have been placed in his barn.

Un coq

Nate has 100% success in selecting who will win any poll, but needs up to 10 weeks to rummage around in his specially appointed barn to be sure.

Nate, 5lbs, decided Brexit would happen, and that Donald Trump would become president of the United States. But with less than 10 weeks to go before the snap election he has his work cut out for himself, with Jeremy Corbyn's tweed jacket attracting a lot of interest from the set off, and he appears to be scared of Theresa May's red high heels.

His owner and promoter, Bob Cumbunnion, told this newspaper: "It's far too early to say anything about what Nate has decided so far. He hasn't decided anything, he's just getting started. But if you were to force me to say something right now, really force me, like take that pitch fork over there and threaten to ram it into my eyes, then I would have to say that Jeremy Corbyn's tweed jacket is very popular with Nate so far, and its still too early to tell, but so far it's looking like a landslide for Labour."

The election continues.

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Also In Today's Paper:

Should I Dye My Beard Blue Or 'Theresa May Grey' For Best Results? Asks Tory Extremist

Jeremy Corbyn's Top Ten Allotment Tips

Ten Things That I Don't Think Are Sins, By LibDems Tim Fallon [link]

LOSE WEIGHT ON OUR BRILLIANT GENERAL ELECTION DIET
Daily Mail

Letters To The Editor

Dear Sir,

I absolutely love putting the cross on my ballot and have even set up my own voting booth in my spare room to practice for the great day. Imagine my delight that the government is asking me for my opinion again. I just love it.

Yours, Peter Sutcliffe

Dear Sir,

I'm confused. Will someone please help me: If we have five year fixed-term parliaments now, does it mean that in three years time we have to, by law, have another general election because of the one in 2015, or does the next five years start after the current election? Or do we have to do them every 3 years and 5 years in future (from now) because they will each be 5 years after the last election? Or is the first one cancelled out? (Who decides this? Is it the police?)

Yours, Jimmy Pusboat

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Dear Sir,

Has anybody else noticed how close 'Ilie Nastase' is to 'Mr Nasty'? I think he should be told.

Yours, Hubert Smith [link]

NORTH KOREA CRISIS OFFER: FREE DONALD TRUMP OR KIM JONG-UN HAIRCUT FOR EVERY READER
The Thun - The Times spoof

PM May Urges Marmite Haters To United With Marmite Lovers

Just hours after successfully ensuring that the 48% of Britons who voted against Brexit have united with the 52% of Britons who voted for it, May, 62, has decided to get other opposites to unite using her powers of persuasion, we have been told.

"Theresa May's next project is to announce the union of Marmite lovers with Marmite haters," said a source close to Downing Street.

Marmite tastes like a 'smack in the gob with an electric heater made into a liquid' according to scientists.

Brexit was once seen as a major difference in the country, but it seems that the 48% who lost just rolled over after acknowledging that the 52% who voted for it were much louder and bigger and liked to punch people in the face more.

The Brexit continue.

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Correction: In yesterday's story: 'My Sex Life Is Not As Good As I Had Imagined It Would Be After Brexit' Confides Nigel Ferage it seems there was an error: Nigel Farage is the ex-leader of UKIP, the Nigel Ferage we interviewed for the piece is not him. We are happy to set the record straight. [link]

BREXIT SHOULD BE MADE INTO A MUSICAL, SAYS ANDREW LLOYD WEBBER
treehuggian - The Guardian spoof

Did US VP Use Magic To Stop North Korea Rocket Test?

South Korea: Mike Pence, the US Vice President, was in South Korea today to use his own magic to stop one of Kim Jong-Un's impressive looking rockets, according to the person in the hotel room next to his.

"I heard lots of abracadabra's and expletives and what sounded like a heavy weight that could have been a cauldron bang to the floor" said the hotel neighbour who has asked us to not reveal her identity.

But our investigations indicate something much more suspicious: that magicians in the CIA had secretly made the North Korean bombs into magic wands and they magicked their own destruction, according to a person close to the Situation Room.

A member of the Magic Circle told this newspaper: "This is a clever ploy the CIA seem to have used. It's an old trick, where a magician turns a magic wand into flame and then into a silk handkerchief. A few twists to the technique could render a massive rocket shaped bomb into flames, although the resultant silk handkerchief would probably be the size of Luton Airport. But it's a nice trick none-the-less. You really can't tell what is going to happen next in this Trump presidency can you?"

The North Korea continues.

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Also In Today's Paper:

Kelvin MacKenzie Has Been Living Secret Life In Liverpool For Years, Says Scouse Source

Theresa May's Personal Trainer Gets His Top Off On Page 12

Donald Trump endorses chocolate cake during North Korea crisis [link]

LOSE WEIGHT USING OUR BRILLIANT SEAN SPICER DIET
Daily Mail

Letters To The Editor

Dear Sir,

All this controversy over United Airlines bumping one seated passenger off a flight, it's time to spare a thought for the thousands of disappointed security officers who never get to see front page action like that.

Yours, Harry Goinheavy

Dear Sir,

I was bumped off a flight once by a British Secret Service agent. It wasn't pretty.

Yours, Mr Goldfinger

(Video sponsored by linksdump.com)

Dear Sir,

Passengers who get bumped off flights only have themselves to blame. I have never been bumped off a flight in my life.

Yours, Angela United [link]

FREE TRIP TO GIBRALTAR FOR ONLY £350PP
The Thun - The Times spoof

Donald Trump: "I Want My Presidency To Be More Exciting Than 24"

Donald Trump has said he intends to go for an exciting cliffhanger every Friday for the rest of his presidency, 'just like the Fox TV series 24'.

Trump, 71, is a well known watcher of Fox but this is the first time he has revealed his objective to have his administration create an exciting cliffhanger every Friday.

This week's cliffhanger was the completely by surprise bombing of a Syrian airport.

The week before, the President's Obamacare replacement bill spectacularly failed in a cliffhanger, but is to be continued in a later plot development we have been told.

Future cliffhangers are expected to include: Tense North Korea face off in the style of the Cuban Missile Crisis, Russia responds to the latest Syrian bombs and member of Trump family is kidnapped.

The Trumping continue.

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Correction: In yesterday's story: After Brexit We Should Be Shooting All Bird Migrants, Says Our Brilliant Correspondent Katie Hopkunt it seems there was an error: Some birds cannot fly so in fact the idea we had to stop birds as they walked through customs was not completely stupid and would stop penguins, peacocks and chickens if they attempted to cross into Britain by foot through the correct channels. We are happy to clarify a number of readers who tweeted us their concerns. [link]

I RETURNED A MILK SHAKE BECAUSE IT WAS TOO MILKY AND THEY LAUGHED AT ME. WELL NOW I GET MY OWN BACK, SAYS OUR CORRESPONDENT KATIE HOPCURSE
treehuggian - The Guardian spoof

Restaurant Review: My Worst Experience in Over 20 Years In The Job

Le Stonq, Paris: My, oh my! I dressed up in my full nines to dine at this eaterie, widely regarded as the most costly in Paris. I had been working out with weights for two weeks before attending just so that I could wear a borrowed Rolex and keep my hand from flopping onto the table as if it were being drawn to it by a powerful magnet. I was ready for a gloriously expensive experience. How I was to be disappointed!

First, to the menu. I demanded they bring the version of the menu with the prices on after they tried it on with a menu with no prices. I fully appreciate that I looked like I was on expenses but I work for the Guardian and a £600 meal is the hard work of a large number of people duped into subscribing to us when they don't have to. The menu itself was physically the size of a small man, about Ricky Gervais size, which I objected to on principle. Had I been a James Bond baddy I could have used it as a cover to watch him, after cutting holes for my eyes.

The first course was literally breast implants on toast. They didn't call it that of course. This is Paris so it was all lardy dar stuff, but breast implants they definitely were, for a medium size teddy bear. If that makes your stomach churn, the idea of a furry teddy bear with breast implants, then just imagine how my palate felt after eating something that tasted of raspberries scrapped off a carpet covered in vinegar.

The main course was shoulder of lamb arranged to look like the Eiffel Tower. I am not complaining about this, it added a well needed touch of Disney to the proceedings and as our waiter had big ears I was not complaining.

The meal was accompanied by a series of amuse-bouches haphazzardly arranged on spoons which were far too cold when I placed them in my mouth.

After such exotic faire I decided to order apple pie and custard with a scoop of vanilla ice cream for afters, or for sweet as they so pompously say. The apples had been hand picked by sixth generation French people and the custard had been made using milk from Royal cattle.

The meal cost 567 euros, and the final insult was that my card jammed in the card reader. It was easily the worst experience of my life.

The Garcon! continues.

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Also In Today's Paper:

Ten Things Donald Trump Could Do Unexpectedly This Week

How To Build A Garden Fence Donald Trump Would Be Proud To Call His Own

Donald Trump's Golfing Handicap Would Surprise You [link]

HOW TO GIVE YOUR DOG THE KIM-UN OR DONALD TRUMP HAIRSTYLE
Daily Mail

Letters To The Editor

Dear Sir,

I had an idea for an advertising slogan that Wonga could use. It's based on the old 'Ding Dong It's Avon Calling' campaign and I wonder if they would pay me enough money to pay off my mortgage for it? My slogan is 'Binga Bonga It's Wonga Calling'.

Yours, Harry Golightly

Dear Sir,

Help! I'm doing a school project and I need a bad picture of Chris Hemsworth. One in which he looks like he's just got out of bed in a huff, or he's in the middle of a really uncomfortable crap. Everything online is just ridiculously handsome.

Yours, Jay Breakdancer

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Dear Sir,

I know where my glutes and my abs are but I haven't a clue where my, oh, hang on, I've got that all wrong. I don't know where my glutes and my abs are, can someone help me please.

Yours, Sherry Bumblebee [link]

HOW TO TALK LIKE MICHAEL 'LORD' HOWARD: NUMBER 23 - HOW TO PRONOUNCE 'AWFUL', 'LOTHESOME' AND 'ITSY BITSY'
Daily Excrement

Gibraltar: It's War!

Britain is to send battleships to Gibraltar as a sign of strength as Spain seeks to invade the peninsula during Brexshit negotiations, according to a shady looking character in Brussels. The battleships will be the same ones sent to the Falklands due to cost cutting.

Gibraltar was given to Great Britain in the Treaty of Utrecht in 1713 by the Spanish but now the Spanish want it back, according to a person on Twitter.

The show of strength comes 35 years to the day that Great Britain rescued the Falklands from an invasion by the military junta in Argentina. Argentinians also speak Spanish, just like in Spain.

Gibraltar is famous for its red phone boxes, Blanketty Blank still on the telly, and Peter Sellers still playing Inspector Clouseau in the Pink Panther movies still on at the Gibraltar Odeon.

The Brexshiting continues.

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Correction: In yesterday's story: How To Bake A Brexshit Cake Using Just British Ingredients it seems there was an error: The sprinkles pictured were from Germany. We have sacked our picture editor for treason. [link]

HOW TO TAKE A PHOTOGRAPH OF YOUR PET SMILING USING EVERYDAY HOUSHOLD ITEMS
Daily Moan

The Full Story Behind That Sad Clock Face Brexit Picture

Number 10 have admitted they are heartbroken that they had to sign a letter triggering Article 50 which means Brexshit is actually happening today, and used the clock in the background to show their disappointment.

Upset clock - Brexit

The saddest clock in Downing Street was created by taking the iconic Brexshit letter picture at 5:36 Great British Summer Time.

Iconic Brexit signing

One Downing Street insider, who asked us to not report her name because she has been sworn to secrecy using the Royal Sword of Silence, said the timing of the picture was made to ensure the clock had the saddest face possible.

A Brexiteer insider told this newspaper: "The clock is a Remoaning disgrace. They could have waited and taken the picture at 10 to 8 and it would have been a smiley face, or any other time and it wouldn't have made any kind of a face, but what did they do? They did the sad face. I weep for my country. If I was there that clock would have been thrown out of the window for treason."

The Brexshit continues.

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Also In Today's Paper:

"It's Time To Accept Brexshit Bacon Sandwiches," Say Ed Milliband

Brexshit Poll Was 52% to 48% But Where Do The 4% Live?

But is Gibraltar really British? I mean they have wild monkeys there! Our Brilliant Correspondent Katie Hopkunt has her say [link]

THERESA MAY OFFERED BANKER DEAL OR NO DEAL CONTRACT IF BREXIT FAILS, SAY CHANNEL 4
Daily Moan

Letters To The Editor

Dear Sir,

I have heard Donald Trump speak in fluent Russian but nobody wants to interview me. He is clearly covering something up. I charge £2500 an hour plus expenses.

Yours, Ben Done

Dear Sir,

It's good to see an English side win the Boat Race again. We always do this sort of thing so well in England. Brexit here we come!

Yours, Sheila Dunukip

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Dear Sir,

Imagine my surprise when I went to more British than the British Gibraltar. Their rock of Gibraltar is nothing like the rock you can buy in Clacton.

Yours, Nigel Ferrago [link]

ARIES Mar 20 - Apr 19

Bangkok, Beaverlick (Kentucky) and Butt Hole Road (Doncaster, England), are all controversial sounding place names set to provide moments of travel based angst this month. Beware travel representatives and their minions for much of the month, especially those with clipboards stuffed to bursting with yellow forms.

Tripping over random objects left on the carpet, either where you live or elsewhere, will bring an Olympic quest type challenge to your life this month, and for much of May, also. Mars suggests walking around objects rather than somersaulting head-over-heals over them as if to impress someone you wish to woo. Unfortunately, your woo-wishing ability is under the influence of Jupiter who has advanced plans to trip and break you on varied and unspecified days.

Homoerotica in all of its colours and flavours is set to provide an erotic undertone to a moment of telephone madness around the 6th April.

This month your destiny is in charge of hot to medium mint sucking sweets. [More]

NUMBER 10 TO SEND ARTICLE 50 MEMO DURING 4 HOUR FRENCH LUNCH BREAK, SAYS BREXPERT
Daily Armstretchograph

Company Behind 'Stop Eating Like A **** Pig Diet™' Files For Bankruptcy

The company behind the Stop Eating Like A **** Pig Diet™ has filed for bankruptcy, we have discovered.

The diet, which told people the only way to lose weight was to cut back on the amount of calories they consumed every day, was voted the worst diet by social media, claiming it was 'too hard to do'.

One commentator who tried eating less food as outlined in the diet plan said: "Eating less food than I want to eat is awkward. I want to lose weight, I don't want to feel hungry."

An average human needs 2300 calories a day, any more than that and on average they gain weight, if they eat less than that they lose weight. That was the theory behind the Stop Eating Like A **** Pig Diet™ and experts said that anyone who managed to eat less calories than they needed lost weight.

Many also criticised the diet for when they stopped following the diet they put the old weight back on again.

An expert in dieting told this newspaper: "The Stop Eating Like A **** Pig Diet™ has many things going for it, although just not the 'you have to eat less' bit. More popular diets include: The Eat Everything You Want Diet, The Feel Hungry? Eat A Pie And Lose Weight Diet, and the 6 Minute Chocolate Munch Diet.

The diet marketing continues.

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Correction: In yesterday's story: Ten More Things You Need To Know About The New One Pound Coin it seems there was an error: Item number 4 was the secret thing that experts use to ensure that the pound coin is not a fake, and not the fifth item as was claimed. We are happy to set the record straight. [link]

WOMEN DRIVERS ARE JUST AS BAD AS TERRORIST DRIVERS, SAYS OUR BRILLIANT CORRESPONDENT KATIE HOPKUNT
Daily Moan

New One Pound Coin Gets Stuck In Dog's Throat

Ickle dog owners were warned this morning not to let their little chums from swallowing the new one pound coin, because if they do it could get lodged in their little throats and choke them to death, according to three owners who had close calls.

Elisa Buckleswuckle, 23, told this newspaper: Little Timmy swallowed a new pound coin and he was panting funny and running around like he was trying to shake his nose off. I picked him up and noticed a new pound coin lodged in his throat. I had to get a steak beating mallet to get it out. We were lucky but a couple more minutes and he would have been dead, killed by the new pound coin.

The Royal Mint did not return our calls when we called last night asking them about their murderous new pound coins.

Swallowing currency is always dangerous, but with notes generally thought to be safer swallowingwise than coins.

The new pound coin has a number of new security features, some so secret even special agents working for MI5 haven't been told what they are yet. But the new pound coin doesn't have any anti-swallowing features.

The pound continues.

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Also In Today's Paper:

Is Gordon Ramsay Cooking Up a Surprise for ITV's Beleaguered Nightly Show? Yes, Says ITV Eggsperts

Are You A Penguin Or A Seal? Take Our Brilliant Quiz

How To Tell If This New 13 Sided Pound Coin Is A Fake [link]

"I WILL BE EDITING FOR HALF AN HOUR A DAY," SAYS GEORGE OSBORNE
Daily Moan

Letters To The Editor

Dear Sir,

I am all for change, but giving people a 12 sided pound coin is just asking for trouble. I mean, how many times are you going to count the sides? If one had 13 sides, and thus was a fake, who would notice? I say bring back the thruppenny bit, we all knew where we stood with that.

pound vs thruppend bit

Yours, Arthur Asker

Dear Sir,

I was given a three pound coin yesterday and managed to quickly pass it on before anybody noticed. I think it may have had the secret security feature they're not telling anybody about on it.

Yours, Duncan Dumbledore

(Video sponsored by linksdump.com)

Dear Sir,

I'm upgrading one from UKIP to UKIQ this week. I'm Brexit Happy me.

Yours, Nigel Ferrago [link]

BREXIT TRIGGER DAY DELAYED AS SCOTLAND THROWS MCPISSEYFIT
Daily Armstretchograph

George Osborne To Join Cast Of TOWIE

George Osborne, the former Chancellor of the Exchequer, is to be a regular member of the ITV reality show The Only Way Is Essex, known as TOWIE, we have discovered.

This brings to eight the number of new jobs the ex Chancellor now has, after we exclusively reported yesterday that he is to join the Gordon Ramsay company as a head screamer in restaurants in the north of England.

"I am looking forward to joining the nation's favourite constructed reality television programme. That's on top of my newspaper editing, MP-ing, City advising. All of them. Soon to be too numerous to mention. I have a lot on my plate and I'm raring to get started," said the 59 year old MP.

George Osborne is currently being fitted for a new thong as his first TOWIE appearance with be in a Marbella special in which he gets wet. His swimwear fitting was scheduled during a three minute tea break during the interview for the Evening Standard job, we have been told.

The Osborne Mediocrity begins.

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Correction: In yesterday's story: Ten More Things George Osborne Is Not Qualified For it seems there was an error: Number 7 should have said Head Conductor of the Brighton Kettle Bells Orchestra. We are happy to set the record straight. [link]

PM DECIDES NOT TO WEAR NATTY TARTAN SHOES FOR BREXIT TRIGGER DAY AS SCOTLAND NIGGLES DETERIORATE FURTHER
Daily Moan

Number 10 'Aims' To Trigger Article 50 With Poem

The Prime Minster, Theresa May, has said the government is to spend some more time working on a poetic way to trigger Article 50.

"In a country what gave William Shakespeare to the world we can and will do better than simple normal words like what George Osborne would write," said the prime minister. "We can trigger Article 50 the British way, with a bit of pizzazz," said the Prime Minister.

Boris Johnston, who is believed to be the most poetic of the Three Brexiteers, is said to be working on a memorable Article 50 triggering verse.

The prime minister told journalists Game Of Throningly: "Britain is open for business with a wink in our eye, a song in our hearts and a skip in our step."

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Also In Today's Paper:

Is ITV's The Voice Still On? Asks Our Brilliant TV Reviewer

Are you Theresa May or Jeremy Corbyn? Take our brilliant politics quiz!

Could George Osborne do your job next? Take our brilliant quiz [link]

"I WILL BE EDITING ONE WORD AT A TIME," SAYS GEORGE OSBORNE
Daily Moan

Letters To The Editor

Dear Sir,

What does an editor on a newspaper do anyway? Why not get an assistant editor and get them to do everything?

Yours, Piers Morgan

Dear Sir,

An editor is like a mascot but without the furry costume. It's perfectly easy enough to do all the editing in a mad rush and do something else at the same time.

Yours, Brendan Maplethorpe

(Video sponsored by linksdump.com)

Dear Sir,

I'm confused. Is Noel Fielding replacing Mel or Sue on Channel 4's the Great British Bake Off? I felt your reporting didn't really get to the crust of the problem.

Yours, Ben Madeoff [link]