BREXIT TRIGGER DAY DELAYED AS SCOTLAND THROWS MCPISSEYFIT
Daily Armstretchograph

George Osborne To Join Cast Of TOWIE

George Osborne, the former Chancellor of the Exchequer, is to be a regular member of the ITV reality show The Only Way Is Essex, known as TOWIE, we have discovered.

This brings to eight the number of new jobs the ex Chancellor now has, after we exclusively reported yesterday that he is to join the Gordon Ramsay company as a head screamer in restaurants in the north of England.

"I am looking forward to joining the nation's favourite constructed reality television programme. That's on top of my newspaper editing, MP-ing, City advising. All of them. Soon to be too numerous to mention. I have a lot on my plate and I'm raring to get started," said the 59 year old MP.

George Osborne is currently being fitted for a new thong as his first TOWIE appearance with be in a Marbella special in which he gets wet. His swimwear fitting was scheduled during a three minute tea break during the interview for the Evening Standard job, we have been told.

The Osborne Mediocrity begins.

(Video sponsored by linksdump.com)

Correction: In yesterday's story: Ten More Things George Osborne Is Not Qualified For it seems there was an error: Number 7 should have said Head Conductor of the Brighton Kettle Bells Orchestra. We are happy to set the record straight. [link]

PM DECIDES NOT TO WEAR NATTY TARTAN SHOES FOR BREXIT TRIGGER DAY AS SCOTLAND NIGGLES DETERIORATE FURTHER
Daily Moan

Number 10 'Aims' To Trigger Article 50 With Poem

The Prime Minster, Theresa May, has said the government is to spend some more time working on a poetic way to trigger Article 50.

"In a country what gave William Shakespeare to the world we can and will do better than simple normal words like what George Osborne would write," said the prime minister. "We can trigger Article 50 the British way, with a bit of pizzazz," said the Prime Minister.

Boris Johnston, who is believed to be the most poetic of the Three Brexiteers, is said to be working on a memorable Article 50 triggering verse.

The prime minister told journalists Game Of Throningly: "Britain is open for business with a wink in our eye, a song in our hearts and a skip in our step."

(Video sponsored by linksdump.com)


Also In Today's Paper:

Is ITV's The Voice Still On? Asks Our Brilliant TV Reviewer

Are you Theresa May or Jeremy Corbyn? Take our brilliant politics quiz!

Could George Osborne do your job next? Take our brilliant quiz [link]

"I WILL BE EDITING ONE WORD AT A TIME," SAYS GEORGE OSBORNE
Daily Moan

Letters To The Editor

Dear Sir,

What does an editor on a newspaper do anyway? Why not get an assistant editor and get them to do everything?

Yours, Piers Morgan

Dear Sir,

An editor is like a mascot but without the furry costume. It's perfectly easy enough to do all the editing in a mad rush and do something else at the same time.

Yours, Brendan Maplethorpe

(Video sponsored by linksdump.com)

Dear Sir,

I'm confused. Is Noel Fielding replacing Mel or Sue on Channel 4's the Great British Bake Off? I felt your reporting didn't really get to the crust of the problem.

Yours, Ben Madeoff [link]

WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO ON BREXIT TRIGGER DAY? KATIE HOPKINS HAS NO IDEA
Daily Armstretchograph

Civil Servants To Practice Triggering Article 50 Today

Civil Servants are to practice the steps for triggering Article 50 today, to check that all systems are ready for the big switch, according to an insider who told us he is knowledgeable of the matter.

Some senior civil servants, who's colleagues have claimed for years they are actually not very civil at all, have already rudely started tapping keys, swapping croissants for crumpets and replacing all Italian coffees for weak milky teas, and that's before the practice trigger has even begun.

Fire alarms will be ignored during the test triggering, speeches of Winston Churchill with the sound of bombs going off in the background will be played and Vera Lynn singing There'll Be Blue Birds Over The White Cliffs Of Dover will be sung in a circle in all departments at 11:11am each day until the test triggering has been completed.

Civil Servants have also been told to drink English wine when handling the paper work in Brussels and not the European stuff which in the circumstances is deemed to be inappropriate.

The Brexit continues.

(Video sponsored by linksdump.com)

Correction: In yesterday's story: Carry On Brexit: 'Babs' May - 'It's Almost Time To Trigger - Ooo Saucy!' it seems there was an error: Kenneth 'Boris' Williams was not blamed for sticking eyes and a French moustache on the prime minister's stapler on Thursday during a meeting as we claimed. We are happy to set the record straight. [link]

I'M STAYING IN BED ALL DAY ON BREXIT TRIGGER DAY JUST IN CASE, SAYS ACCIDENT PRONE ATHLETE
Daily Moan

"I'm Triggering Article 50 When They Least Expect It," Says PM May

Prime Minster Theresa May told reporters this morning, at an impromptu gaggle to which we were not invited, that she is set to use her soon to be confirmed power to trigger Article 50 in the 'most unexpected negotiatingly strategic way possible'.

Triggering Article 50 is believed to be the first step for the country to leave the European Union, although for all we know they could have been lying to us about that too for the last year.

Theresa May has only a few options available to her in triggering Article 50 once parliament has given her the power to do so and these are:

1) Trigger it immediately after the vote in Parliament.

2) Trigger it one day after the vote.

3) Trigger it two days after the vote.

....

54) Trigger it fifty two days after the vote.

55) Don't trigger it at all but just keep looking like you are.

"Once Article 50 is triggered the Europeans will finally slowly find out what we are up to, a bit like on D-Day but we don't have to worry about the weather," said a television historian who is not Dan Snow.

The long goodbye begins.

(Video sponsored by linksdump.com)


Also In Today's Paper:

Is ITV's News At Ten Delayer Nightly Show Still On? Asks Our Brilliant TV Reviewer

How Many Hazelnuts are there in one teaspoon of Nuttella? The answer will surprise you [Sponsored feature requiring multiple clicks to find the answer [if it even exists!!!]]

Korean Who Does British Accents Told To Stop Doing The Birmingham One As People Are Falling To Sleep While Driving Their Cars [link]

ENGLAND VS SCOTLAND RUGBY RESULT 'TOO LATE' TO MAKE SCOTTISH SUNDAY PAPERS
Daily Moan

Letters To The Editor

Dear Sir,

I would respectfully suggest that the highest honour for any English man is not a knighthood as your contributor claimed, but is a free bag of chips every day in any chippie in the country [restrictions apply]. This is what we should be giving Eddie Jones for his remarkable England rugby revival efforts.

Yours, Chip Smith

Dear Sir,

Soon to be Sir Eddie Jones says we are only one year into a four year plan with rugby in England. So, this gazumpingly good England team beat New Zealand next and then what? I fear for the future of England at this rate, and for any rugby playing Space Aliens set to invade during the Trump presidency.

Yours, Brad Stonestump

(Video sponsored by linksdump.com)

Dear Sir,

As a Scot who works in London I have decided to have the week off sick.

Yours, Mac MacSadface [link]

HOW TO BORK YOUR EMPLOYERS AWARDS CEREMONY LIKE THE OSCARS WERE
Daily Armstretchograph

"It's Watergate 2" Claims Trump

Donald Trump says he has met a man in a darkened garage he says is code named DeepPockets, who told him that the conspiracy against him is 'huge' and that he should 'follow the money', just like DeepThroat in Watergate, according to the new president.

This just hours after Donaldski Trump claimed Barack Obama was guilty of McCarthyism and that Obama was tapping Trump's phones like in Nixon-Watergate.

Trump, when asked for evidence of who was behind the alleged phone taps on his phone, said Alex Baldwinishly: "They're doing it. I just know they are. KellyAnne is looking for her shoes and she'll be here to answer your questions later."

Meanwhile, Kellyanne Conway was unable to come immediately as she is recovering after getting a stiletto stuck up her bottom after she sat on her own legs after forgetting to remove her shoes first.

DID YOU KNOW: Senator Joseph McCarthy was ultimately destroyed by Ed Murrow, the inventor of fake news according to this Trump administration, after Murrow waited patiently to get enough quotes on film and audio so that when he played them all back on See It Now it made McCarthy look like the dangerous paranoid fool he was. Richard Nixon was destroyed by what had been called the fake news of The Washington Post right up to the last minute when it was finally realised that they had been telling the truth most of the while.

The Trumping continues.

(Video sponsored by linksdump.com)

Correction: In yesterday's story: Brexit: It's A Right Carry On, Says 'Babs' May it seems there was an error: 'Oooh Cheeky!', 'Gawd Blimey Not 'im Again' and 'Gordon Bennet!!!' were not comments made by either Kenneth 'Boris' Williams or Sid 'David Davis' James, we are happy to slap the record straight.

Correction to the above Correction: Charles 'Liam Fox' Hawtrey was accidentally omitted from the list and should have been included, we are happy to set the record straight. [link]

BREXIT TO LEAD TO LOWER CHOLESTEROL, CONFIRMS GOVERNMENT BREXIT KEEP FIT TSAR
Daily Moan

'Only Piers Morgan Can Rescue ITV's Nightly Show' Say Smokers Outside ITV

Piers Morgan is the only person who is qualified to rescue ITV's new News At Ten warm up show, The Nightly Show, according to a gaggle of smokers outside ITV, Friday.

They said:

"Ideally they need a British Jimmy Kimmel, but we don't have one," said smoker number 1.

"They need better guests. A movie star or two would have helped, but they were all ill," said smoker number 2.

"Piers Morgan is really the only option. His wit and handsomeness is what the show needs," said Piers Morgan.

"In America they have the chat shows after the news, and the news there is 11pm," said smoker number 3.

The Walliams will not continue.

(We tried to find a Youtube clip of the Nightly Show to put here (we still love you Kim Catrall, sorry) but it was all too awful.)

(Video sponsored by linksdump.com)


Also In Today's Paper:

'I watched ITV's Nightly Show And It was Brilliant,' Says ITV's Piers

ITV Shares Slump 0.05% Following Nightly Show Woes

Prince Hunky Sips Drink With Just His Shorts On [link]

OSCARS ORGANISERS FAIL IN BID TO WIN 'ORGANISERS OF OSCARS' AWARD FOR SEVENTIETH YEAR IN ROW
Daily Moan

Letters To The Editor

Dear Sir,

Has ITV thought of asking Donald Trump's Deep Throat to be the next host of their Nightly Show? I bet they haven't.

Yours, Jeremy Bottomsley

Dear Sir,

Has ITV even thought of asking Vladimir Putin's Senior Donald Trump Liason Officer to host their Nightly Show? I bet they haven't even bothered. Do they want a topical laughfest or not?

Yours, Ched Chadski

(Video sponsored by linksdump.com)

Dear Sir,

I am so angry that Piers Stefan Pughe-Morgan is being mentioned as a presenter of ITV's soon to be dumped Nightly Show that I want to scream his real name out in writing. There, done it. I feel better now thank you.

Yours, Boaty McBoatface [link]