ELECTION WORKOUT, PART 5: STRENGTHEN YOUR KNEES WITH THE DONALD TRUMP KNEE BOW
The Thun - The Times spoof

That Donald Trump Curtsey In Full

Donald Trump curtseyed like a girl today when receiving a medal from the Saudi king, according to an expert close to the president's knees.

An onlooker said: "If Saudi women were allowed to not wear a headdress they would look just like Donald Trump curtseying in this clip. That's if women were allowed to win medals in the kingdom."

Women curtsey and men bow.

Women curtsey like below:

Donald trump curtsey

And this is how curtseys are done OFFICIALLY.

By Animal_locomotion._Plate_199_(Boston_Public_Library).jpg: BPLderivative work: Slick (talk) - Animal_locomotion._Plate_199_(Boston_Public_Library).jpg, CC BY 2.0, https://commons.wikimedia.org/w/index.php?curid=16776862

A commentator on Fox News said Trump, 71, didn't curtsey, "he had a temporary knee embolism after dipping his head in a way that was not a bow either."

The curtsey continues.

(Video found on linksdump.com)

Correction: In yesterday's story: "I didn't curtsey like a girl. It was a beautiful manly curtsey," says President Trump it seems there was an error: Trump spokeswoman Kellyanne Conway curtseys like a woman, we are happy to set the record straight. [link]

GET A SIX PACK AND MAGNIFICENT THIGHS IN SIX DAYS WITH OUR BRILLIANT DONALD TRUMP CURTSEY WORKOUT
Daily Excrement - Daily Express

"We Are The Nazty Party," Says Theresa May in 2002

Theresa May acknowledged today fifteen years ago that the Conservative party are known as the Nazty Party. Speaking at some conference or other, the then chairwoman of the Conservative Party said the party had an image problem and everyone disliked them.

"We are no longer the Nazty Party," said the prime minister today. "Unless that is if you are European Brexit negotiators in which case my pointy stiletto is being aimed at your shin and you will soon find out how painful that is," said the popular leader.

The Nazty continues.

(Video found on linksdump.com) NSFW


Also In Next Week's Paper:

Trans Community Condemns Trump's Curtsey

Blonde Community Condemns Trump's Curtsey

Curtsey Association Applauds President Trump's Curtsey - Hillary Clinton couldn't have done better, Says Chief [link]

GET A SIX PACK OF BEER WITH OUR BRILLIANT GENERAL ELECTION WORKOUT
Daily Mail

Letters To The Editor

Dear Sir,

Donald Trump didn't curtsey he wobbled. There should be a law against criticising old peoples knees. It should be a hate crime.

Yours, Mrs Jarmin, 89

Dear Sir,

The Donald Trump curtsey is simply the most fabulous thing I have seen this year. Maybe the necklace was heavier than he expected.

Yours, Barack Obama

(Video found on linksdump.com)

Dear Sir,

I must complain about your online quiz. When I took your 'Are You Strong And Stable?' I only got 5.6%. I think it is broken, and so does my husband.

Yours, Theresa May [link]

ELECTION DIET, PART 4: IS IT OK TO HAVE A CHEAT SNACK WHILE JUST THE LEADERS ARE TALKING?
The Thun - The Times spoof

Cyber Attack Saves Man's Life

A man who would have died had his operation gone fatally wrong thanked cyber attackers today for saving his life after his NHS operation was cancelled at the last minute.

This brings to three the number of deaths prevented by the cyber attack in the NHS this weekend, a record.

In a statement from Jeremy Hunt, Health Secretary, he applauded the money saved on not putting anti virus protection on computers: "The money saved on not upgrading the security on the computers saved a young woman's life in January. Her name was Karen. That sort of good news is forgotten about in the midst of all this 'why didn't they update their anti-virus software' nonsense. Nobody died because of the cyber attacks, which were an international thing and nothing to do with us."

The Vote Conservative continues.

(Video found on linksdump.com)

Correction: In yesterday's story: NHS Underfunding Nothing To Do With Cyber Attack, Says Expert it seems there was an error: The anonymous expert we quoted was Home Secretary Amber Rudd. We are happy to set the record straight. [link]

I FOUND LOVE DURING CYBER ATTACK, SAYS NHS ADMINISTRATOR
Daily Excrement - Daily Express

LATEST PICTURE OF BREXIT BUS EMERGES AT SCRAP YARD

Has the famous Brexit Bus been scrapped?

This picture, just sent us, seems to be saying "Yes!"

Scrap yard

(Picture by Tony Hisgett from Birmingham, UK - Scrap yard 1Uploaded by tm, CC BY 2.0, Link)

It's a sad end to the Brexit Bus that carried the hopes and dreams of Leavers such as this paper.

Meanwhile, on social media, remoaners are making rubbish jokes about it, like: "Brexit Bus? One lump or two? Ha ha, I'd like to see the cup of tea that goes in."

So, goodbye dear friend of Leavers everywhere. Gone but never to be forgotten.

Brexit Bus

RIP BREXIT BUS 2012-2017

The Brexit continues.

(Video found on linksdump.com)


Also In Next Week's Paper:

Monday: 400 Seats Expected In Conservative Party Drubbing

Tuesday: Conservatives Expected To Win 400 Seats As Labour Disintegrate

Wednesday: Theresa May The Winner With 400 Seats [link]

GET A ROCK HARD FROWN WITH OUR BRILLIANT GENERAL ELECTION WORKOUT
Daily Mail

Letters To The Editor

Dear Sir,

Imagine my upset when my computer didn't get taken over on Friday by the ransomware attack. That sounds like a brilliant day off work to me for us homeworkers who don't get snow days as they work from home.

Yours, John Jammin

Dear Sir,

The sooner Jeremy Corbyn becomes the next Dr Who the better. The only way he's getting into Number 10 is if they put a number 10 on the door of the Tardis.

Yours, Sherry Bumblebee

(Video found on linksdump.com)

Dear Sir,

In 2013 the BBC took to court and lost claims for license fee evasion in 24,963 cases out of 178,332 claims in total brought. Now they want to know my address and email for using the iPlayer. Help. I'm scared.

Yours, Paul Smalls [link]