BREXIT NEGOTATIONS PART 24: WHEN CHAOS IS BEAUTIFUL
The Thun - The Times spoof

Donald Trump Senior Was At Russia Meeting, Claims Deeper Throat

You join me, here, in a garage in Washington DC.

It's 3am and I am about to meet with Deeper Throat, the name given to my source on the growing scandal of Russian interference in the 2016 presidential election.

DT arrived promptly like he was a senior government official. He had a nice suit on. Nice shoes, too. I asked him, what can you tell me?

"I will only confirm stories. I will never be your first source. This is dangerous for me, " he said in a low, whispy, voice.

A car started up and I jumped, squealed a little, and peed a little in my shorts.

"Is Donald Trump Jr lying about the Russia meeting?" I asked him, poised with my biro on my notepaper as if this was still 1973.

"Yes," DT said.

"What else can you tell me?"

"You tell me and I'll confirm or deny it."

I thought I would trick him. "So, Donald Trump was in the Russia meeting," I then stopped, hoping he would pick me up on the Jr. But if he didn't I knew I had a story.

DT paused and I almost repeated the question again. But then he spoke.

"Yes," Deeper Throat eventually told me with what could have been a knowing wink but it was dark and it might not have been.

My story confirmed I returned to the office and wrote it. Donald Trump Senior was at the meeting.

The Russia thing continues.

(Video found on linksdump.com)

Correction: In yesterday's story: Donald Trump Spoke Fluent Russian with Putin In Meeting, Secret Recordings Show it seems there was an error: There is no secret recording as we claimed. We are happy to set the record straight. [link]

MAN BREAKS WORLD ICE CREAM EATING RECORD ON HOTTEST DAY OF YEAR
Daily Excrement - Daily Express

Plot Foiled To Superglu Trump And Macron's Hands Together

French and American Secret Service went into meltdown in their back office control rooms today after it appeared for an excruciating minute twenty seconds that threats to Superglu the French president's hand to Donald Trump's hand had finally been carried out.

Thankfully it was just a super-long Donald Trump handshake.

Speaking shortly after their hands finally parted a security officer, still out of breath, told this newspaper: "That was a close run thing there. Anything longer than a 20 second handshake was Obama's Superglu danger zone, we upped it to 40 seconds for Trump but the 1 minute 20 seconds handshake looked to me like they had finally done it. I have never been more relieved than when their hands finally parted."

Speaking after we promised him anonymity, Harry Thompson of 125 Friobershire Road, Glastonbury, told this newspaper: "Internet chatter is quite clear that there are a number of plots to Superglu Trump's hand with another world leader. Trump has already declined to come to Britain following news that Superglu sales have rocketed since his inauguration."

If Trump's hand is Superglued to a world leader the procedure is for them to be escorted off camera for treatment as if nothing happened.

A critic of Trump's handshaking style told this newspaper: "It's only a matter of time until the terrorists manage to Superglu his hand someplace and we just won't know until it's too late."

The MAGA continues.

(Video found on linksdump.com)

Also In Today's Paper:

All Female Dr Who Will Be 20% Cheaper To Produce, Claims BBC Insider

But Will New Dr Who Be A Time Lord or a Time Lady? Twitter Erupts

BREXIT whistle song goes to number one in the BREXIT charts [link]

IS IT TIME TO PANIC? TEN TELL TALE SIGNS THAT YOU MIGHT BE TOO LATE
Daily Mail

Letters To The Editor

Dear Sir,

What a time in the world to be a Trump!!! I just love it.

Yours, Melanie Trump

Dear Sir,

Ed Sheeran's Game Of Thrones cameo last night was simply amazing. I have been singing his song ever since. He has a hold over me like he is a wizard. You never see him and Ron Weasley together do you?

Yours, Justin Trump

(Video found on linksdump.com)

Dear Sir,

Is Donald Trump Jr auditioning for a McDonalds advert? 'I love it' has a great ring to it. And they have McDonalds in Russia too.

Yours, Ron McDonald [link]

BREXIT NEGOTATIONS PART 23: WHAT WOULD HAPPEN IF DAVID DAVIS RIPPED OFF HIS SHIRT AND CHALLENGED EVERYONE IN THE ROOM TO A FIGHT? OUR EXPERTS GIVE US THEIR VIEWS
The Thun - The Times spoof

Secret Euro26 Plans To Give Boris 'Wedgie'

A secret document shows advanced plans to give Boris Johnson, the British Foreign Secretary and chief Brexiteer, a series of wedgies as part of the Brexit negotiating process, according to people who have seen the document. A similar document in which David Davis's hair is 'mished' also exists.

Plans to get the British contingent to storm out of the room are one of the strategies to get the best deal out of Britain as it is slowly realised in Britain that it has absolutely no negotiating leverage at all.

A member of the Euro26 told this newspaper: "Theresa May has been practicing storming and screaming out of the negotiations over the divorce bill. We have heard her practicing in the gym at lunch times. OK, please go ahead . It will just mean we can stop for lunch quicker."

Caterers at the scene have been told to prepare for a small cheese and wine party if the British contingent storm out before 4 pm, according to people close to the sauces.

The Brexit continues.

(Video found on linksdump.com)

Correction: In yesterday's story: Is This The Best Wine To Drink With Your Brexit? it seems there was an error: The article was unclear about the quantity of wine to drink with the Brexit. The article should have said at least two bottles per person to get the correct numbifying effects. We are happy to clarify our reporting. [link]

ARE YOU BEING RACIST ENOUGH NOW BREXIT IS HERE? TEN TOP TIPS
Daily Excrement - Daily Express

Donald Trump Or Duck? Have Your Say

Social Media is being stumped when asked to tell the difference between the back of Donald Trump's head and a duck's ass, according to sources close to the controversy.

A series of pictures side by side of a duck's behind and the back of Donald Trump's head are confusing hundreds of thousands of social media devotees.

Can you tell the difference?

 

Trump or duck

Trump or duck

Trump or duck

(Solution: Donald Trump is the image on the left in each case).

The Pootus continues.

(Video found on linksdump.com)

Also In Today's Paper:

All Your Brexit Make Up Tips, From Theresa May

David Davis Already Practicing New Smile For When He Becomes PM, Says Insider

Recipe For Our Brilliant Brexit Cake Using Just British Empire Ingredients [link]

TEN TELL TALE SIGNS YOUR ARE A SECRET REMOANER
Daily Mail

Letters To The Editor

Dear Sir,

If Theresa May is ejected as prime minister, to be replaced by David Davis, how will the romance between Theresa May and Donald Trump continue to blossom? We will all be the loser.

Yours, Sally Bigcheese, Mills And Boon Author

Dear Sir,

If Theresa May is replaced by David Davis the Trump/May partnership will turn from Maggie and Ronnie, to Little And Large, you mark my words.

Yours, Fodor Trump

(Video found on linksdump.com)

Dear Sir,

Does David Davis look like a game show host of the 1970s to anybody else? Someone get him to do the 3-2-1 thing with his fingers.

Yours, Harry Buckshot, 108 [link]

HUNG PARLIAMENT 2017: IS NOW THE RIGHT TIME TO DROP THE NEED FOR MEN MPS TO WEAR TIES?
The Thun - The Times spoof

Theresa May Learning How To Shout In Deep Voice For Brexit Negotiations

Margaret Thatcher famously took speech classes to make her voice deeper. Theresa May is now working on her new Brexit negotiating voice, according to well placed insiders on the inside.

"The prime minister is aiming for a big butch voice and is learning to speak from her diaphragm. And she is learning to shout the words: "Get my coat we're leaving boys" for when Europe demands a divorce bill," according to the source.

The prime minister is also taking courses on:

* Steely eyed stares

* Storming out of negotiations in tasty high heeled shoes and remembering to take everything with her because its always embarrassing when you have to go back to get something after you've just stormed out.

* Mentioning that Donald Trump is in her wrestling tag team at every opportunity with underlying menace she's about to do an RKO at any moment

The 'Are We Out Yet?' continues.

(Video found on linksdump.com)

Correction: In yesterday's story: Is This Theresa May's Storming Out Of Brexit Negotiations Outfit? 'Yes' Says Our Brilliant Fashion Expert Mildred Cue it seems there was an error: The correct answer is 'we don't know'. We are happy to set the record straight. [link]

ARE YOU A 'BREXIT POSEUR'? THIS REMOANER SAYS YOU ARE, YES YOU!!!
Daily Excrement - Daily Express

Brilliant Donald Trump Posts Video Of Him Wrestling Kim Jong-Un

Donald Trump has once again stunned his critics by posting a second video of edited WWE footage of him wrestling a man with Kim Jong-un's head superimposed on the man he's wrestling, according to someone with a Twitter account who was aghast at the news.

This is the latest in a line of Tweets that many are saying shows the president is suffering from too many slams on his head in the wrestling ring.

But some of his supporters were impressed with the video: "I have never been more hopeful of a resolution with North Korea," said a Trump supporter in Minnesota. "If The Don can make him tap out that quickly I say lets get some now," he continued.

The RKO Out Of Nowhere continues.

(Video sponsored by linksdump.com)

Also In Today's Paper:

Brexit Hits All Time High

At Last The Seas Are Ours, Thanks To Brexit

Apology To Jonathan Ross For Our Trolling After He Called It Bwexit [link]

At linksdump.com we've been collecting the best Tweets for the funniest trends for the last year or so.

Recent trends like

#TooHotToSleep, #BadMovieSequels and #ElderlyBeatlesSongs

Updated frequently, COME ON IN!!! Take a look here.

from linksdump.com

IS IT TIME TO STOP BUYING RUBBISH EUROPEAN STUFF AND BUYING BRITISH INSTEAD?
Daily Mail

Letters To The Editor

Dear Sir,

My friend, who is a computer expert, tells me that Theresa May uses the nuclear code as her own personal pin number. I'm not sure what I'm worried about more. That the nuclear code is only 4 digits long or that Barclays Bank knows what it is and they are trying to break in to the North Korea market.

Yours, Jemimah Longstocking

Dear Sir,

Glastonbury was bigly good this year. It's good that global warming has stopped all the mud. We're all winning together. Stop listening to that Macron fella. He's not a good man. His handshake didn't hurt at all.

Yours, Donald Trump

(Video found on linksdump.com)

Dear Sir,

Yea! Donald Trump posted another wrestling video today. They say wrestling is scripted but that looks just like my day in the White House these days to me.

Yours, Sean Spicer, White House Communications Spokesman [link]

HOROSCOPES FOR JULY 2017
CAPRICORN Dec 22 - Jan 19

A hostage situation, or maybe you have locked yourself out again, is in prospect this month.

Praying to the sun, and barking at the moon, will continue to be problematic at times, especially when it is cloudy and you aren't sure where the moon is at night. Remember that perseverance is generally the curse of those who have nothing else to do whose only hope is that something might eventually turn up.

This month your destiny is too busy mourning to bother. [more]

YOUR GUIDE TO A HUNG PARLIAMENT PART 5: WE ARE NOT DINOSAURS BECAUSE THEY DIDN'T EXIST IN THE BIBLE, SAYS DUP
The Thun - The Times spoof

Theresa May Wins World Gurning Championship

At last a piece of good news for the beleaguered prime minister, still Theresa May.

It has been announced that Theresa May, 62, has won the World Gurning Championship and didn't even enter the competition, bringing to 19 the number of things over the last 8 weeks that could lead to her downfall, a new record.

Theresa May gurns

Pulling facial grimaces is a traditional European thingie, usually most successfully performed by people without their own teeth.

A Conservative Party insider told this newspaper: "This shows the talent of this amazing prime minister. Experts all agree that gurning to the levels Theresa May has taken it with your own teeth is very difficult. Our prime minister isn't scared to put in the hours to gurn like this even though she has her own teeth. She's simply amazing."

Meanwhile, the DUP have said that May's gurning is one of the positives in the negotiations for a 'turn up and vote right' agreement, along with an extra £2bn.

Theresa May gurns in parliament

The gurning continues.

(Video sponsored by linksdump.com)

Correction: In yesterday's story: Jeremy Corbyn's Power Increases Exponentially As Sun Rays Tapped By Pyramid Stage At Glastonbury it seems there was an error: The correct lyrics sung by the crowd was "Oh Jeremy Corbyn, Oh Jeremy Corbyn, Oh Jeremy Corbyn," we are happy to set the record straight. [link]

THE FIRST PAPER TO REPLACE THE SAYING 'THE BEST THING SINCE SLICED BREAD', TO 'THE BEST THING SINCE BREXIT'
Daily Excrement - Daily Express

"I'm Still Going For A Bloody Awkwardly Hard Brexit" Says May

Theresa May has said that nothing has changed and she is still going for a 'bloody awkwardly hard Brexit' like she always was, according to people close to the fatally wounded prime minister.

May, 61, set out plans this week for how she wants to treat Europeans already living in the country. This 'generous and serious' offer includes allowing Europeans to use Waitrose, speak English with an outrageous accent and look over 35% sexier than the locals.

Under the terms outlined by the Prime Minister in Brussels, the English will still be allowed to speak loudly in English to Europeans who don't seem to understand what they are being told.

In other developments. The Prime Minister, speaking off the record, explained that 'a bloody awkwardly hard Brexit' is defined as "Brexit means B.R.E.X.I.T."

The what happens next continues.

(Video found on linksdump.com)

Also In Today's Paper:

Jeremy Corbyn Criticised For Not Even Trying To Sing At Glastonbury

Theresa May now only crying in the toilets and bedroom, according to sources

Andrea Leadsom criticises journalist for not wearing Union Jack underpants [link]

WHAT IS THE HARDEST POSSIBLE BREXIT? HAVE YOUR SAY
Daily Mail

Letters To The Editor

Dear Sir,

Andrea Leadsom told Emily Maitliss on Newsnight that she thought the broadcast media should be more patriotic. I completely agree. I don't feel British unless I wear my Union Jack earrings, shoes and hat.

Yours, Kim Jong-May

Dear Sir,

I have been told that I am a very sexy European. I have lived in the UK for the last two years. I am learning to speak like a native, innit, and am learning to enjoy pork pies - I have almost stopped gagging after I cut one in half. I aim to take a sniff of one by the end of the year. Surely I have done enough?

Yours, Velocity Smugshsten

(Video found on linksdump.com)

Dear Sir,

I have just watched the news and a French commentator has just said let's not have a hard Brexit or a soft Brexit, let's have a good Brexit. That is the most sensible thing I have heard in months.

Yours, Jack Multimixer [link]

VIDEO MAYHEM
ABC (Australia) Have Made The Best Brexit Video Yet