TRY OUR EXCLUSIVE DONALD TRUMP CHICKEN RECIPES
The Thun

Is Princess Charlotte Causing Riots In America?

Investigation: Princess Charlotte may be a little bouncing bundle of Royal joy to us, but already riots in Charlotte in America are undermining her first visit to that part of the world, according to people close to the barricades.

With some saying that the riots in Charlotte are due to police in America slowly executing all the black people and nothing to do with our cutie new Royal, there are many on social media who blame the baby Princess Charlotte turning up and a crying in their faces during her first trip to Canada, just over the border.

A professor of America told this newspaper: "Yes, the police are quite clearly shooting black people in some cases for no reason at all, but Princess Charlotte turning up certainly isn't helping much."

A rioting man with his face covered on the street in Charlotte asked us who Princess Charlotte was.

The stuff continues.

(Video found on linksdump.com)

Correction: In yesterday's story: Brexit Should Mean The Hardest Brexit Possible, Says Johnny Britain it seems there was an error: Boris Johnson is a blonde and not black haired MP as we claimed. [link]

ARE YOU TOO FAT TO READ THIS NEWSPAPER? TEN TELL TALE SIGNS
The Daily Stir

Brexit Should Be The Hardest Brexit Possible, Says Johnny Britain

Fears that the government are about to start negotiating for a wishy-washy Brexit, and not the hardest possible Brexit, were growing last night at tea and crumpet time, an insider tea and crumpet lady told this newspaper.

A hard Brexit means leaving without an agreement with the Europeans, some of whom fought against us in the war and lost.

"A hard Brexit would be a bit like D-Day apart from the fighting on the beaches," said an expert close to the strategy.

The Brexit continues.

(Video found on linksdump.com)

Also In Today's Paper:

Ice Cream Sales 'Resilient' In Face Of Brexit Vote

My Strictly Wardrobe Malfunction Made Me Wince, Says Telly's Keith

Jeremy Paxman Hates Everybody, And Here's Why [link]

DONALD TRUMP EXPLAINS HOW TO FIRE A GUN
Daily Mail

Letters To The Editor

Dear Sir,

I have invented a teleportation device that can transport a common housefly from one place to the other. All I need is two identical housefly's and slight of hand.

Yours, Dr Mangly Frotlleshott

Dear Sir,

I am hoping for a super hard Brexit. What is the diplomatic equivalent to a hard punch in the nose? That's what I want.

Yours, Jerry Ukipster

(Video found on linksdump.com)

Dear Sir,

I laughed so hard at your website last week I lost 2 pounds in weight. Brilliant. You should advertise yourself's as a hilarious weight loss aid.

Yours, Sarah Marketingwitch [link]

IS DONALD TRUMP YOUR DAD? TEN TELL TALE SIGNS
The Thun

Number 10 Gets 'Article 50' Button Installed

Number 10 has had an Article 50 button installed in Downing Street today, ready for it to be pressed 'sometime in the next year', according to interior decorators talking to us at a wine party last night.

The round red 5 inches by 4 inches button with the words 'Article 50' in white on it, is next to the nuclear button, allowing the prime minister to launch an exit on Europe within 5 minutes if she so chooses to do.

Asked what happens if May, 59, presses the nuclear button accidentally when meaning to press the Article 50 button an expert says the prime minister has been trained and this could never happen.

Meanwhile in other news: RAF Typhoon jets scrambled early this morning after Number 10 runs impromptu test of Article 50 button. No one famous was hurt.

The waiting continues.

(Video found on linksdump.com)

Correction: In yesterday's story: Theresa May May, But Boris Definitely Would it seems there was an error: Boris Johnson has not had a donut named after him at High Street favourite Greggs as we claimed. We apologise for the error in our advertisireportage. [link]

DO YOU EXIST? TEN REASONS YOU ARE JUST A FIGMENT OF YOUR IMAGINATION
The Eeeekonomist

Are These The Boxer Shorts Nigel Farage Used To Skinny Dip In?

Pictures of the boxer shorts used by Nigel Farage to skinny dip in have appeared on Twitter, according to experts.

Nigel Farage Boxer Shorts?

Skinny dipping is usually done naked, but the former UKIP leader did it in his underpants, a clingy pair of cotton boxer shorts bought from TopMan.

The shorts have pictures of hamburgers on them which is believed to have attracted the attention of a French crab who apparently swam over for a bite, according to sources close to the dipping.

An expert on skinny dipping said it was a disappointment that Farage, 76, was unable to bring himself to do it properly, like the Scandinavians do.

The pants continues.

(Video found on linksdump.com)

Also In Today's Paper:

'I went skinny dipping in my socks,' says man

'I went skinny dipping in my flesh coloured bikini,' says woman

'I have never been skinny dipping. Does skinny showering count?' asks reader [link]

DONALD TRUMP EXPLAINS HOW TO FIRE A GUN
Daily Mail

Letters To The Editor

Dear Sir,

I must object to your stories about men over 50 skinny dipping. I know this sort of thing goes on but older people find this kind of thing uncomfortable. That he actually wore boxer shorts while skinny dipping is no good once the image is in my head.

Yours, Dr Python Monty

Dear Sir,

Further to your report 'My Skinny Dipping Hell' Says UKIP's Nigel, I couldn't agree more. It's far too much of a French thing to do. Keeping your boxer shorts on is the Brexit way forward in my opinion.

Yours, Jim Jimbo

(Video found on linksdump.com)

Dear Sir,

I am a very fat man so when I go skinny dipping my fat covers everything. Is this OK?

Yours, Sam Smith [link]

ARE YOU A CRAZED NYMPHOMANIAC? TEN TELL TALE SIGNS
The Thun

Calls For Morbidly Obese Olympics

The morbidly obese should have their own Olympics, according to an expert last night.

Morbidly obese means having a BMI of over 40. A cheesecake has a BMI of over 150, according to dieticians.

The Obese Olympics will have all the sports in the actual Olympics apart from any horse riding and competitors will compete against people of the similar weight and size. It will be an opportunity for the morbidly obese to show off their talents in ways not seen today.

An expert told this newspaper: all good ideas have their time, and with 14.5 million obese people in Britain today this could be another medals winner.

The puffing continues.

(Video found on linksdump.com)

Correction: In today's story: Theresa May But Boris Definitely Would it seems there was an error: Brexit actually means Brexit, we are happy to set the record straight and would like to apologise for any misunderstanding our reporting caused. [link]

DO YOU HAVE UNCONTROLLABLE FLATULENCE? TEN TELL TALE SIGNS
The Eeeekonomist

Hillary Clinton Overheats Again

Hillary Clinton has overheated again, only hours after overheating at a 9/11 event on Sunday, according to new leaked footage seen by this newspaper online.

Clinton, 68, who is suffering from pneumonia, said claims she was unfit to be president was hillaryarious.

Hillary is now so pumped full of drugs she can only walk and talk for 50 yards before sitting down again, according to experts.

The second overheating video in two days, which has not been confirmed to be genuine, shows smoke coming out of Hillary Clinton's head while she sits watching the television.

The pulling funny faces continues.

(Video found on linksdump.com)

Also In Today's Paper:

I had Sex on Strictly, Says Ola

My Wife Was Happy When I Had Sex On Strictly, Says James Jordan

Ola And James In Strictly Bonking Bedlam, Says The Sun [link]

DONALD TRUMP FURIOUS ABOUT ANOTHER THING
Daily Mail

Letters To The Editor

Dear Sir,

Further to your excellent expose: "Morbidly Obese Girls Kiss Better Than Skinny Ones" I couldn't agree more. They have softer tongues that love nothing better than to lick. Superb work to all concerned.

Yours, Geraldine Kipper-Smythe

Dear Sir,

Hard Brexit or soft Brexit? Does this mean it's something like eggs? I thought Brexit meant Brexit. This is starting to get complicated. (Do I get a prize for not writing it's all a bad yolk?)

Yours, Jim Jimbo

(Video found on linksdump.com)

Dear Sir,

It is time for morbidly obese people to be embraced by society at large. Obviously they are too big to get your arms around in a hug (I always feel like I am a flattened bug when I try), but a good hearty handshake should suffice.

Yours, Dr Jim O'Nelly [link]

HORNY FRUIT FLIES SET TO MAKE HOUSEHOLDS CRAZY AGAIN
The Thun

PM May Told To Avoid Making Any Noise While In Bathroom As 'Chinese Spy's Listening'

The Prime Minister, currently on a trip to China, has been advised by Secret Services to undress under a duvet and be careful of any noise she makes while in the bathroom in case it is used by spy's in China for espionage purposes.

May, 5ft 6in, came to prominence this year after becoming prime minister. She immediately put a hold on a Chinese investment in Hinkley Point before security services have a chance to bug senior Chinese officials to see what they are up to.

Gordon Brown's 'erratic bowel movements' were heard by spy's in Beijing while on a G20 trip in 2008, according to those in the know.

Meanwhile, Japan says it is angry that Britain is leaving Europe because that was the only reason they ever invested in the car making plants in England in the first place.

The Brexit continues.

(Video found on linksdump.com)

Correction: In today's story: Theresa May Declared A Saint By The Pope it seems there was an error: Mother Teresa has been declared a saint, Theresa May is in fact the prime minister of Great Britain and Northern Ireland . We are happy to clarify this small error in our reporting. [link]

SURVEY: IS THERE AN EASY WAY TO TELL IF YOUR FRIDGE IS FULL? TEN TELL TALE SIGNS
The Eeeekonomist

BREXIT! Downgraded To Brexit

Prime Minister Theresa May poured cold water on hopes of a points based immigration system following BREXIT!, a central promise of the BREXIT! campaign whom won the referendum in June.

This is the second downgrade to BREXIT! since June. July saw the exclamation mark removed and at the beginning of September REXIT reduced to lower cap letters.

The prime minister, whilst speaking on the plane to China, said a points based immigration system would be as impossible to do as ' run a comb through Boris Johnson's hair', according to a person not on the plane.

"It's only a matter of time until hopes for Brexit are downgraded further," said sources close to the situation.

The waiting for br.... exit continues.

(Video found on linksdump.com)

Also In Today's Paper:

14.5million people in UK obese, says expert

14.5million people in UK obtuse, says expert

14.5 million people in Essex are orange, says expert [link]

DONALD TRUMP FURIOUS ABOUT FISH
Daily Mail

Letters To The Editor

Dear Sir,

I understand in your paper that Theresa May has been told to undress under the duvet to stop the Chinese spying on her. This is a wise choice. We don't want pictures of a naked prime minister in our newspapers when she declines Chinese investment in Hinkley Point after all.

Yours, Sherry Taylor

Dear Sir,

I always undress under the duvet. The trick is to remove your high heels before you get in because the heels can sometimes get caught in the sheeting and cause havoc.

Yours, Jim Jimbo

(Video found on linksdump.com)

Dear Sir,

When they say Theresa May should undress under the duvet while in China, I say a blanket would do the same thing. I can do it using just a couple of pillow cases but it takes a bit of practice.

Yours, Sheila Pagethree [link]

SCIENCE QUESTION: WHAT IS HEAVIER CBB'S HEAVY D OR A CUP OF TEA MADE OUT OF URANIUM?
The Thun

'Corbyn Could Have Put His Bottom On A Seat,' Claims Branson Train Company

Tuesday 23rd August: Virgin Trains released CCTV footage today that showed the Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn walking past a number of apparently empty seats.

It is not clear from the CCTV if the seats that looked empty weren't in fact filled with small people or bags people put there when they popped to the loo or went to get a snack.

A person who put a bag on one of the seats walked past by the Labour leader and Alec Guinness clone told this newspaper: "I left my bag on one of the seats. My bag can't be seen in the CCTV footage. It is an honour to have my bag walked past by this pillar of British socialism."

The looking for a double seat continues.

(Video found on linksdump.com)

Correction: In today's story: Jeremy Corbyn Gives Speech On NHS Being Destroyed Whilst Besieged By Traingate Allegations it seems there was an error: Rupert Murdoch is the most astute, brilliant, media entrepreneur that has ever lived and not 'of the last 30 years' as we claimed. We are happy to set the record straight. [link]

IS JEREMY CORBYN TOO MUCH OF A SOCIALIST? HAVE YOUR SAY
Socialist Dantooine

Jedi Knight Corbyn Denies Using The Force Against Virgin Boss Branson

Thursday 25th August 2016: Sources close to Jedi Master Jeremy Corbyn scotched reports last night that the force was to do with a newly bruised Richard Branson almost killing himself out on a bike ride today. This only 24 hours after Virgin Trains claimed CCTV showed the leader, 71, walked past empty seats on the way to plonking his beloved socialist bottom on the floor to make a point about overcrowding.

Richard Branson hit a road bump in mysterious circumstances when it went dark all of a sudden while out for a bike ride on some island or other. His bike went off a cliff after throwing the billionaire clear in what looked like a Jedi move used for centuries dating back to the First Clone War of Algemem Al-Heyhey. An expert on Jedi mayhem told this newspaper: "The move is more of a warning than a kill move. But it's a clear sign that The Force is pretty fed up with the service on Virgin Trains."

The bouncing billionaire continues.

(Video found on linksdump.com)

Also In Today's Paper:

A Bear Wins Celebrity Big Brother

Stephen Bear's Original Recipe For Pancakes Sells For 67p On Ebay

Is Bear's Kardashian-Like Reality TV Show Now Inevitable? "Boom" says CBB's Heavy D [link]

HILLARY CLINTON FACES OFF WITH SNACK MACHINE
Daily Mail

Letters To The Editor

Dear Sir,

With Richard Branson falling off his bicycle when Jeremy Corbyn is over 4000 miles away, just imagine the danger Owen Smith is now in if he were to get his little fat legs on a bicycle? Never mess with the Force I say. Corbyn all the way.

Yours, Ben Skywalker

Dear Sir,

Well done to Bear for winning Celebrity Big Brother, although I recommend he doesn't go for that offer for a a bit part in Mob Wives when it is filmed next as I'm thinking he might not survive a Mob Pancake if you know what I mean.

Yours, Renee Graziano

(Video found on linksdump.com)

Dear Sir,

Imagine my surprise this morning when, walking down to the supermarche here in Nice in my Burkini, I was told to undress by a kind policeman in speedos. It is far too chilly to be shopping in the chilled section in my undies. Is this really the French way of life?

Yours, Brenda Mugglesthwaite [link]